


Found Family

by Much_depressed



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: ACE spencer reid, And thats how you bake this shitty fic :), Crack Treated Seriously, Did i say angst??, Drunk Shenanigans, Drunk Texting, EMILY IS A LESBIAN AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff, Getting Together, Hossi, How Do I Tag, Humor, M/M, My emotional support gay dads, No idea how, Sort Of, Stay Hydrated, Texting, Well - Freeform, a few aliens, a handfull of fun facts, and a few bi babes, and drunk texting your lover is a funny way to tell your found family youre doing the nasty, and homosexuals, and then everyone know, and then hotch joins girls night, and then you bake at 350 for 10 minutes, because hes a very talkative drunk, because lesbians - Freeform, because there is some, but i tell the truth when i say, fight me, hotch and garcia are both bi and you can quote me on that, i dont write smutt, i love Will Lalemon but for the purpose of this gay fic will is getting the shit end of the stick, i think jj is pan but a point can be argued, its completely irrelevant but hotch is the bottom, look - Freeform, maybe some conspiracies, morcia is a valid ship, that hotch is a fucking bottom, the team doesnt know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:53:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 22,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27240748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Much_depressed/pseuds/Much_depressed
Summary: Emily makes a group chat, a little bit of chaos and a whole lot of gay.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/David Rossi, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss, Penelope Garcia/Derek Morgan
Comments: 397
Kudos: 469





	1. Wtf is this Em?

E.Prentiss added P.Garcia, D.Morgan, J.Jareau, S.Reid, A.Hotchner, and D.Rossi to the group chat.

E.Prentiss has named the group chat Traumatized Badasses  
\---

Traumatized Badasses

Friday, 5:13 pm

E.Prentiss: hello my friends. 

D.Morgan: wtf is this Em??? 

P.Garcia: oooo I love this!!!!!

S.Reid: why do we have a gc

D.Rossi: we see each other more than most married couples, why do we need a group chat??

E.Prentiss: well, were all such good friends. A family if youd like. And I thought we needed a gc for funny/weird/non work related things.

A.Hotchner: well, we could also complain about local pd while on cases and not make things tense....

D.Morgan:............. seriously hotch? You're cool with this??

P.Garcia: its on like donkey kong

A.Hotchner: its a great idea. 

J.Jareau: and absolutely fabulous idea really.  
J.Jareau: whats not to like  
J.Jareau: we can complain and not get caught  
J.Jareau: we can also annoy each other without distracting from our/other peoples work  
J.Jareau: honestly I don't see why we didn't do this sooner.

E.Prentiss: jj has a point. 

E.Prentiss changed J.Jareau to JJ  
E.Prentiss changed S.Reid to Jr. G-man  
E.Prentiss changed herself to Emily

Emily: plz help me change everyone to something less formal 

D.Morgan changed P.Garcia to Baby Girl

Baby Girl changed D.Morgan to ❤MORGAN❤

A.Hotchner: seriously guys....

D.Rossi changed A.Hotchner to Hotpocket 

Hotpocket: you're a dick. 

D.Rossi: I am not. 

Baby Girl: is....

JJ: is there a story behind that???

Hotpocket: no

D.Rossi: yes

Hotpocket: dave don't you dare.

D.Rossi: you can't stop me

Hotpocket: wanna bet?

D.Rossi: you wouldn't

Hotpocket: I would. 

Baby Girl: this is the most interesting thing I've witnessed in my entire life

Jr. G-Man: I have so many questions.

❤MORGAN❤: I think we deserve an explanation....

Hotpocket: no, you don't. 

D.Rossi: aaron, its a good story....

Hotpocket: its really not

Emily: no no no, please. You can't just have a nickname like that and us not know the story....

Hotpocket: yes, I can.

Hotpocket changed D.Rossi to Pasghetti 

Pasghetti: now who's the asshole. 

Hotpocket: still you dave. 

JJ: ok now we really need to know...

❤MORGAN❤: please

Baby Girl: its really rude to not include us.........

Jr. G-Man: I have more questions....

Emily: I knew this was a great idea!!!!

Hotpocket changed his name to Hotch

Pasghetti changed Hotch to Hotpocket

Pasghetti: don't test me bitch

Hotpocket: I hate you

Pasghetti: you do not.

❤MORGAN❤: WHY ARE MOM AND DAD FIGHTING 

Baby Girl: YOU GUYS ARE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART!!!

Jr.G-man: WHO IS MOM AND WHO IS DAD?!?!?!?!

Emily: I GOT THIS!!!!!!!

Emily changed Pasghetti to DAD  
Emily changed Hotpocket to MOM

Emily: IS THAT BETTER?!?!?!?!

JJ: WHY IS HOTCH MOM?!?!?!

Baby Girl: MOTHER HENNING!!!!!

Jr.G-Man: THAT IS QUITE ACCURATE!!!!!

❤MORGAN❤: I COMPLETELY AGREE!

MOM: Wtf im not the mom

DAD: Yes you are Aaron.

MOM: Stfu Dave. 

Baby Girl: PLEASE STOP ARGUING!!!!

Emily: DO WE NEED A FAMILY COUNSELOR?!?!?!?!

Jr.G-Man: WHY IS MOM CURSING?!?!?!?!

❤MORGAN❤: DAD PLEASE CONTROLL YOUR HUMAN!!!!!!

JJ: I LOVE THIS BUT WHY ARE WE CAPSLOCKED IN A GC ON ONE OF OUR FEW WEEKENDS OFF???

❤MORGAN❤: BECAUSE WE ARE A FAMILY

Jr.G-Man: WE ARE CAPSLOCKED BECAUSE MOM AND DAD ARE ARGUING 

Baby Girl: IF HOTCH IS MOM AND DAVE IS DAD THEN WHERE DOES THAT PUT US IN THE SIBLING LINEUP

Emily: IT GOES ME, MORGAN, JJ, GARCIA, REID

Jr.G-Man: AM I THE BABY CAUSE IM THE YOUNGEST OR CAUSE I GET HURT THE MOST???

❤MORGAN❤: YOURE THE BABY BECAUSE YOURE THE YOUNGEST SMALLEST AND BECAUSE WE ALL BABY YOU A LITTLE

Baby Girl: REID YOU GET HURT A LOT 

JJ: WHY AM I THE MIDDLE CHILD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Emily: BECAUSE YOU ARE THE MOST SELF SUFFICIENT 

JJ: OKAY

❤MORGAN❤: EMILY DOES THAT MEAN WE ARE THE TROUBLE MAKERS??? 

Emily: YES IT DOES

MOM: For the love of all thats holy and sacred please stop using capslock and stop fucking spamming the gc

DAD: Aaron youre just mad because you're the mom. 

MOM: im TRYING to spend time with Jack and my phone keeps going off because you guys have nothing better to do than annoy each other.

JJ: learn to multitask mom.

Emily: I thought moms where good at doing 5+ things at once....

Baby Girl: I think mom and dad need counseling.

Jr.G-Man: how did we become fbi agents??

❤MORGAN❤: everyone else got better jobs

DAD: Lies. This is the greatest job.

MOM: ya where else can you get trauma for free


	2. ❤🎂🎁🍻🎊🥳🎂

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOM = Hotch  
> DAD = Dave  
> JJ = JJ (obviously)  
> Emily = Emily (also obviously)  
> Baby Girl = Garcia  
> ❤MORGAN❤ = you all know this why am I trying  
> Jr.G-Man = Reid 
> 
> Also someone tell me how to attach pictures because I have the dumb and also, as you can probably guess, this is my first time posting a fanfic so im pretty clueless

Traumatized Badasses 

1:17 am

Baby Girl: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOTCH!!!!!!!!  
Baby Girl: 🥳🥳🥳🎂🎂🎂🎂🍻🎊🎊🎉🎉🎁🎁😘😘😘😘😘🥳🎁🥳🎉🎂🎊🍻🎁🍻🎁🎂😘😘😘😘😘😘❤❤❤❤❤  
Baby Girl: YOURE THE BEST BOSS EVER AND I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH  
Baby Girl: YOU ARE SO THOUGHTFUL AND SWEET  
Baby Girl: I WOULD KILL FOR YOU  
Baby Girl: I WOULDNT KILL FOR YOU BUT I WOULD RUIN SOMEONES LIFE FOR YOU  
Baby Girl: SO ITS KINDA THE SAME THING  
Baby Girl: ITS THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS REALLY  
Baby Girl: IM SO GLAD THAT YOURE MY BOSS/MOM AND I MADE YOU THOSE COOKIES THAT YOU LIKE SO WHEN WE ALL GET TO DAVES FOR YOUR BDAY DINNER MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE ROOM FOR DESSERT  
Baby Girl: OK IM GOING TO SLEEP NOW GOOD NIGHT AND I LOVE YOU MOM

\----

6:15 am

❤MORGAN❤: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOSS MAN!!!!!!!!  
❤MORGAN❤: I'll see yall at dinner tonight 🤪 ❤

\----  
6:45 am

Jr.G-Man: happy birthday hotch, see you at dinner. 5 pm right??

\----

7:15 am

Emily: happy birthday hotchipoo 😘😘😘

\----

8:02 am

JJ: happy bday hotch, Henry says happy birthday also

\----

9:00 am

DAD: where all having dinner tonight, yes at 5, why are you people spaming the gc?

MOM: because im the favorite.

DAD: a very unhappy birthday to you then asshole.

MOM: no need to get so salty dave

DAD: shut up birthday bitch.

MOM: so rude.  
MOM: ill see everyone tonight, Penelope please for the love of God sleep in a little....  
MOM: now im going to spend the morning teaching Jack to make pancakes  
MOM: ❤

\----

3:09 pm

Baby Girl: soooo....... is it a sleep over??? Or just dinner????

DAD: if anyone wants to sleep over thats fine, I dont mind.

JJ: YAY

MOM: the kids can camp in the living room  
MOM: penelope did you sleep in??

Baby Girl: i slept until around 11 this morning. I'm good 🤙

MOM: ok good.

DAD: isn't that the usual plan??

JJ: Henry is doing his happy dance 🥰🥰🥰  
JJ: [video attached]

Baby Girl: AAAAAWWWWWW

❤MORGAN❤: lol so is there anything anyone needs at the store for tonight???  
❤MORGAN❤: ingredients for dinner? Toothpaste? Condoms? Pull-ups??

MOM: excuse me??

DAD: I have everything for dinner and extra toothpaste 

JJ: Morgan.... what?  
JJ: also no were good  
JJ: were ignoring that one  
JJ: and Jack and Henry are both potty trained dumbass.....

MOM: Jack says he wants you to bring him a coloring book, specifically dinosaurs.  
MOM: i say he has one but 🤷♂️

Jr.G-Man: Morgan youre an idiot. 

❤MORGAN❤: you never no who needs what and im at the store anyway lmao

Emily: 😂😂😂

MOM: jfc just..... we'll all see eachother tonight, stop spaming the gc

\---

10:42 pm

Enily: So, I know where everyone is sleeping. The kids in the living room, JJ and I are sharing, Morgan and Reid are sharing, Garcia has a room to herself.......  
Emily: where's mom sleeping???...

JJ: emily shut up

Baby Girl: wait seriously where IS mom sleeping?!?!?!?!?!

MOM: im sharing with Dave.  
MOM: were both adults and I dont understand why its so intriguing to you all.

DAD: for fucks sake everyone go to sleep!!!!!

JJ: not until we get answers. 

Baby Girl: 🧐🧐

MOM: as I said, were both adults.  
MOM: also we share while on cases so I don't get why its such a big deal now...

DAD: I will make the French toast thing in the morning if everyone just goes the fuck to sleep

Baby Girl: OH!! Goodnight everyone ❤❤❤❤❤

Emily: ✌✌❤❤

JJ: 😇❤  
JJ: morgan and reid are already asleep so well just ignore them lol

MOM: this is not going to sleep this is sending emojis.  
MOM: still not at all what you people are supposed to be doing.  
MOM: next time I'm druning the adult drinks so everyone's asleep early.

DAD: aaron im going to hide your phone if you don't fucking stop

MOM: 😇

\---


	3. EIGHTY FUCKING FOUR?!?!?!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOM = hotch  
> DAD = dave  
> Baby Girl = garcia  
> Emily= duh?  
> JJ = you know this  
> ❤MORGAN❤ = himbo 
> 
> Filler ish chapter cause I'm...... so lazy..... and also today is the Day Of Panic in the US so 🙃

Traumatized Badasses 

2:39 pm

DAD: so, since aaron is being a douche im going to tell everyone the story behind Hotpocket.

MOM: im not being a douche dave. 

DAD: you are. 

JJ: how is mom being a douche???

DAD: him and Jack are at my house, were supposed to be making dinner.  
DAD: and aaron is doing PAPERWORK!!!!  
DAD: FUCKING PAPERWORK!!!!!!!

MOM: if I dont do it now ill neved catch up ☹

DAD: THATS NOT THE POINT AARON

MOM: IF YOURE SO UPSET ABOUT IT THEN TAKE SOME CASE FILES AND HELP ME!!!!

DAD: FINE BUT IM STILL TELLING THE HOTPOCKET STORY

MOM: FFS NO!!!

DAD:TOO FUCKING LATE!

JJ: 0_o 

Emily: share your wisdom father 😇

DAD: SO!  
DAD: Aaron had just started with the bau, he'd been on a few cases and Jason and I both noticed that he doesn't eat much.  
DAD: Aaron you need to eat better on cases btw  
DAD: anyway, we were on an arson case and we'd been there for 2 days already so before we went to the hotel we stopped at a grocery store.  
DAD: Aaron comes out of the store with two bags FULL of hotpockets. Like 3 of those boxes of 12, all ham and cheese.  
DAD: we went back to the hotel, we where in Jason's room going through what little info we had and Aaron...  
DAD: dear god Aaron ate ALL 36 HOTPOCKETS IN ONE FUCKING NIGHT  
DAD: 36 HOTPOCKETS IN ONE NIGHT IS INSANE AND UNHEALTHY AND IM STILL HORRIFIED 

MOM: Its called having a high metabolism and no appetite 

Jr.G-Man: how do you just not have an appetite.....

MOM: 🤷♂️  
MOM: trauma? Habit? Distraction?  
MOM: also i just really like hotpockets...

JJ: im.......  
JJ: wow....

Baby Girl: im amazed... but also a little underwhelmed  
Baby Girl: like I though thered be a better story.

DAD: i wasn't fucking done.  
DAD: so we tell the story to everyone after we get back home. Everyone wants to see proof, as you would.  
DAD: so we pull together and buy 7 of the 12 count boxes.  
DAD: we had a paperwork day so we're all like "prove yourself".  
DAD: 84 hotpockets in a 10 hour day.  
DAD: 84 HOTPOCKETS IN 10 HOURS AND AARON WASNT EVEN PHASED!!!!!  
DAD: HE WAS FINE!!!!!  
DAD: I THOUGHT HED AT LEAST PUKE  
DAD: NO HE WAS JUST FUCKING FINE!!!!

❤MORGAN❤: WHAT!!!!

Jr.G-Man: thats..... hotch your stomach should have rejected everything by number 30!!!!!

JJ: EIGHTY FUCKING FOUR?!?!?!?!?!?!

Emily: hotch you are a king and a legend.  
Emily: i fear you  
Emily: im buying you a hotpocket shirt

Baby Girl: holy shit....  
Baby Girl: mom is a god among men. 

Jr.G-Man: jfc 

Jr.G-Man started a video chat.

MOM joined the video chat

DAD joined the video chat

Emily joined the video chat

JJ joined the video chat

Baby Girl joined the video chat

❤MORGAN❤ joined the video chat


	4. SPOILERS?!?!?!?!?!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOM: = a big booty boy (look at his butt ok)  
> DAD: = a decent father figure?  
> Emily: = very gay  
> JJ: = g-gay?  
> Jr.G-Man: = twinky has a brain (instead of pinky and the brain ya know)  
> Baby Girl: = the goddess and ruler of all living bisexuals  
> ❤MORGAN❤: = half king half jester
> 
> spoilers for supernatural s15e18 but I think everyone knows by now. I'm warning you this whole chapter is a spoiler and i will cry if im yelled at 💝

Traumatized Badasses 

1:39 am

\-----

MOM: Emily youre a bitch 

Emily: 😂

DAD: ??

Baby Girl: excuse me mother???

Jr.G-Man: what??

❤MORGAN❤: were gonna throw hands bro explain yourself 

JJ: she is but what is it this time??

Emily: supernatural.

JJ: oh you whore.

MOM: i hate you  
MOM: you're fired.  
MOM: off the Christmas card.  
MOM: disowned.  
MOM: ill see you in hell.

Baby Girl: DID YOU SEE THE NEWST EPISODE???

MOM: diD I SeE tHe NeWEst epISodE

JJ: 😂

DAD: aaron it can be that bad...

MOM: it is.

DAD: prove it.

MOM: https://youtu.be/ldLZJKxDF-A  
MOM: there was the big confession  
MOM: actual using real words confession  
MOM: an then he fuCKING DIES   
MOM: HE SHOVES DEAN OUT OF THE WAY AND DIES  
MOM: ITS BEEN SO LONG  
MOM: SO MANY PEOPLE BEGGING FOR CANNON AND THIS IS WHAT WE GET!  
MOM: 12 FUCKING YEARS AND THATS WHAT WE GET   
MOM: I STOPPED WATCHING AFTER SEASON 8  
MOM: THEN EMILY GETS ME BACK IN  
MOM: AND NOW I HAVE TO FEEL THIS PAIN  
MOM: THEY SENT HIM TO HELL FOR ADMIING HE WAS IN LOVE  
MOM: THEYRE BOTH SO FUCKING GAY AND THEN CAS GOES TO HELL   
MOM: ITS BIGOTRY  
MOM: BUT ASIDE FROM THAT WE GET A TEARY I LOVE YOU AND THEN HE FUCKING DIES  
MOM: NO KISS  
MOM: NO HUG  
MOM: NO RECIPROCATION  
MOM: JUST I LOVE YOU BYE 👋   
MOM: 12 YEARS OF PINING AND THEY FUCKING KILL HIM  
MOM: KILL THEM BOTH AT LEAST  
MOM: JESUS FUCK NO BEGGING EITHER  
MOM: NO PLEASE STAY  
MOM: THEY DIDNT EVEN PULL A DOCTOR WHO  
MOM: I HATE THIS  
MOM: IT COULDNT HAVE BEEN THE ACTUAL FUCKING FINALE   
MOM: NOPE  
MOM: FUCK US RIGHT  
MOM: CAUSE THATS APPARENTLY THE WHOLE PLAN  
MOM: FUCK

DAD: beath....

Emily: I KNOW ITS BULLSHIT BUT I DIDNT WRITE THE ENDING

MOM: JUST LET ME BE MAD AND I'LL BE OK

DAD: do...  
DAD: do you guys need hugs?

Emily: ya

MOM: yes  
MOM: no  
MOM: maybe?  
MOM: yes

Baby Girl: im bringing cookies for you two tomorrow ❤  
Baby Girl: it'll be ok ❤

❤MORGAN❤: all this? Over a TV show?  
❤MORGAN❤: its literally just fiction..

Emily removed ❤MORGAN❤ from the chat

Emily: ill add him back when he knows how to be sensitive to peoples decent coping mechanisms.

MOM: 👌

Baby Girl: hes texted me 3 times already lol

DAD: tell him hes grounded.

MOM: can I pick when hes added back?

Emily added MOM as an admin

Emily: do it yourself ❤

MOM: 😱🥰  
MOM: goodnight guys

JJ: NIGHT MOM

Emily: PLEASANT DREAMS MOTHER

Jr.G-Man: good night hotch

Baby Girl: spence you gotta call hotch mom!  
Baby Girl: THE MOST RESTFUL OF SLEEPS DEAR MOTHER

Jr.G-Man: how about.....  
Jr.G-Man: good night hotpocket 

MOM: 🖕

DAD: ffs go to sleep you annoying brats

MOM: 🖕

JJ: 🖕

Baby Girl: 🖕

Emily: 🖕

Jr.G-Man: 🖕?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you of the spoilers now please don't be mad.
> 
> Also i cracked that in an hour so im feeling good. About the fic not the world tho.
> 
> A million kisses to you all 💝


	5. Hes sensitive....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOM = a sad man  
> DAD = sad man's v top husband   
> Emily = a lesbian  
> JJ = a valid bisexual  
> Baby Girl = my eternal flame  
> ❤MORGAN❤ = big simp man  
> 3DR = a smol bb boi

Traumatized Badasses 

3:25 pm  
\---

DAD: it should be beautiful in Vermont   
DAD: all that snow

MOM: the best things  
MOM: happen while you're dancing   
MOM: things that you would not do at home  
MOM: come naturally on the floor  
MOM: for dancing  
MOM: soon becomes romancing

DAD: when you hold a girl in your arms that you've never held before  
DAD: even guys with two left feet  
DAD: come out alright if the girl is sweet  
DAD: if by chance their cheeks should meet  
DAD: while dancing

MOM: proving that the best things happen while you dance

JJ: aaawww

Emily: you guys are so sweet  
Emily: its gross 

Baby Girl: i love you guys omg

Jr.G-Man: aw how sweet.  
Jr.G-Man: now, someone add morgan so he leaves me alone.

MOM: i knew I forgot something...

MOM added ❤MORGAN❤ back to the chat

❤MORGAN❤: YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE IM NOT EVEN MAD ANYMORE

Baby Girl: right! 

DAD: when im worried and i can't sleep  
DAD: i count blessing instead of sheep  
DAD: and I fall alseep  
DAD: fall asleep counting my blessings  
DAD: when my bank roll is getting small  
DAD: i think of when I had none at all  
DAD: and I fall asleep  
DAD: counting my blessings 

MOM: i think about a nursery  
MOM: and i picture curly heads  
MOM: and one by one I count them  
MOM: as they slumber in their beds

DAD: if youre worried and you can't sleep  
DAD: just count your blessings instead of sheep   
DAD: and you'll fall asleep  
DAD: counting your blessings

JJ: I love that movie

MOM: me too

Jr.G-Man: its November tho....

MOM: so?

JJ: spence thinks holidays should stay in their own month

MOM: im changing your name reid.

MOM changed Jr.G-Man to 3DR

3DR: what?

MOM: you have three phds spencer, use them.

3DR: ...  
3DR: uh....  
3DR: oh..  
3DR: OH!  
3DR: IM DR REID AND THE 3 IS MY PHDS   
3DR: I GET IT NOW

MOM: good job kiddo 

DAD: wow

3DR: I have all the brain cells

Emily: 😂😂😂

❤MORGAN❤: White Christmas is an all year movie...

3DR: any Christmas movie or song belongs in December.

JJ: the Xmas spirit is a year round cure all for the big sad.

Emily: facts.

3DR: lies and slander. Christmas is a December holiday. It does not belong in any other month.

MOM removed 3DR from the group chat 

Emily: that was fast...

MOM: he can come back when his heart grows to its proper size. 

JJ: the grinch is complaining

❤MORGAN❤: you think thats bad? Hes at my house. 

MOM: play a christmas movie.   
MOM: make him enjoy it. 

DAD: aaron honestly  
DAD: hes sensitive....

MOM: i refuse to cave.

DAD: ill make spenser call you.

MOM: he just did....

MOM added 3DR to the group chat

3DR: I apologize for my insensitivity to everyones coping mechanisms.  
3DR: the Christmas spirit is a year round acceptable way to brighten your mood.

MOM: thank you. 

❤MORGAN❤: spencer actually did cry a little

JJ: aaaawwww  
JJ: poor spence ☹

Emily: did mom apologize for making you cry?

MOM: ya

3DR: ya

DAD: i think Spencer needs a hug

MOM: i will

3DR: 🤗

Emily: ok, jokes aside.... we all need therapy.

JJ: but why?

Emily: we call our boss mom and we treat our genius like a baby. Our second in command is dad and all of us have severe childhood trauma if this is how we spend our free time.

JJ: well ya 

MOM: im pretty sure trauma is a requirement for this team.

DAD: you're one to talk aaron.

MOM: shut up dave.

JJ: just kiss and get it over with

3DR: can i be the ring barrer if you guys get married?

-


	6. Facts for a bad night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im pretty sure only hotch and reid are in this chapter so........ ya ❤❤
> 
> Also this is v short but like....... sorry?
> 
> OH!!! this chapter is for my mom cause she had a bad day and fun facts might not help but they can't hurt 😊

Traumatized Badasses 

3:28 am

\---

MOM: is anyone awake??  
MOM: its a bad night and I need distraction.....

3DR: define "distraction"

MOM: facts? Stupid stuff? Jokes?  
MOM: im... im not ok rn and i need happy things. 

3DR: Im your man.  
3DR: so..  
3DR: swag is actually an acronym created in the 60s by the gay community and it means "secretly we are gay"  
3DR: cows have best friends and get sad when they're apart  
3DR: cheetas can't roar. They meow like house cats  
3DR: wombats have cube shaped poop  
3DR: an octopus has nine brains (one in the head and one in each tentacle) 3 hearts and blue blood  
3DR: the funny bone isn't actually a bone.  
3DR: in Hong Kong, a woman is aloud to kill her cheating husband. But only with her bare hands.  
3DR: blood shares many of the same properties as egg whites, and can be used to make meringue  
3DR: you can rearrange the continents to form the shape of a chicken  
3DR: turtles can breath out of their butts.  
3DR: spider webs were used as bandages in ancient Rome  
3DR: pineapple is the only fruit that will eat you back.  
3DR: youre more likely to get a computer virus from a religious site than a porn site  
3DR: the Alaskan Wood Frog can hold its pee for up to eight months  
3DR: about 56% of the glaciers in antarctica is made from penguin pee  
3DR: bumblebees can fly higher than mount. Everest  
3DR: your nostrils only work one at a time  
3DR: only two mammals like spicy food, humans and the Tree Shrew  
3DR: the electric chair was invented by a dentist  
3DR: rabbits cannot puke  
3DR: the human body literally glows (on a scale the human eye can't perceive but still)  
3DR: cotton candy was also invented by a dentist  
3DR: buble wrap was originally intended to be wallpaper 

MOM: wow

3DR: better now?

MOM: thank you spencer 

3DR: no problem  
3DR: may I ask why you are having a bad night?

MOM: just one of those nights ya know...

3DR: nightmare night?

MOM: ya, something like that.  
MOM: im gonna go to sleep now, thanks again

3DR: of course mom 😊

\------


	7. Why is mom late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOM = hotch the emotionally constipated bottom
> 
> DAD = dave the emotionally constipated top
> 
> JJ = an independent woman
> 
> Emily = the picture definition of gay panic
> 
> 3DR = smart lil bb
> 
> ❤MORGAN❤ = my fire
> 
> Baby Girl = my one desire
> 
> Im not apologizing for this chapter. But I will warn you, there's lots of slang for anal in this so.....

Traumatized Badasses 

7:14 am

\--

Baby Girl: has anyone seen hotch

❤MORGAN❤: nope. 

3DR: he's late. Usually he gets here around 6:15 am. 

JJ: thats an hour late.....

Baby Girl: anyone else thinking bad thinks?...

DAD: hes fine.

Emily: do you have visual proof?

DAD: yes.

JJ: prove it

Baby Girl: picture? Video call?  
Baby Girl: ease our worry

MOM: im literally in the car with dave.

DAD: see? He's fine.

JJ: who's driving?!?!?!

MOM: dave is...

JJ: WHY TF IS DAD TEXTING AND DRIVING

3DR: SO MANY ACCIDENTS ARE CAUSED BY TEXTING AND DRIVING

MOM: its cool, I was texting for him.

Emily: you were texting in third person???

MOM: disassociate like a pro.

Emily: wow....

Baby Girl: can we all start referring to ourselves in the third person???

MOM: sure.

Baby Girl: GREAT!  
Baby Girl: garcia is tired and sad and wants a fun coffee drink

3DR: spencer is also tired and melancholy and would enjoy a special coffee.

JJ: JJ wants a hug and a coffee

❤MORGAN❤: Morgan wants a hug and coffee too. He's not sad he just likes hugs.

MOM: hotch will get everyone special coffees and give hugs.

Emily: emily gets coffee and hugs too??

MOM: hotch said everyone didn't he???

DAD: Jesus fuck aaron what did you do?

MOM: mom started shit.

DAD: just get out of the damn car and come help me get the coffee ffs

Baby Girl: does dad have his phone back??

MOM: yes.

JJ: are you guys at the coffee shop!!

MOM: yup

DAD: istg you're all fucking feds and this behavior is beneath you.

MOM: says you asshole

JJ: dads being mean

Baby Girl: someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed...

MOM: its my fault.

Emily: oh?

Baby Girl: oh do tell 🧐

MOM: my car broke down and I needed a ride so I called Dave.

❤MORGAN❤: riiiiiiiiight.....

Emily: did the car go down or did you?

MOM: EMILY WTF 

DAD: 😂😂😂

Emily: what?

MOM: that is a horribly inappropriate, and false, accusation.

Emily: me thinks he doth protest too much

3DR: mother denies his husband.

❤MORGAN❤: your accusations have no base. There is no proof of any relations either in the work place or what we've seen of their private lives. 

MOM: morgan gets a doughnut. 

❤MORGAN❤: YAY!!! But seriously, evidence before accusations.

JJ: YA! EVIDENCE BEFORE ACCUSATIONS  
JJ: but seriously why'd you call dave? Don't I live closer?

MOM: yes but you have henry so... mom time is more important than picking up your boss.

JJ: aaww

Baby Girl: are you gonna need help bringing up the coffees??

MOM: no were good

Baby Girl: ok 😊

\----

\-----

10:05 am

Emily: so. I was going about my day.  
Emily: all normal and professional  
Emily: getting more coffee to fuel my dutiful progress through paperwork.  
Emily: and i noticed something strange  
Emily: a truly odd happening...  
Emily: mom.  
Emily: mother why are you limping??  
Emily: mother why are you not walking straight.

Baby Girl: does that count as evidence for accusations???  
Baby Girl: because it should....

3DR: well, a hickey would be solid evidence, a limp is more of a wild theory with loosely connected causes. 

❤MORGAN❤: he could have fallen, or rolled an ankle, or his foot could've been asleep, or it could be the countless physical traumas sustained in the field acting up, or he could've gone for a Swedish bike ride.

3DR: a what now?

❤MORGAN❤: a Swedish bike ride.

3DR: tf is that?

JJ: fudge packing?

3DR: like a baker?

Baby Girl: a Greek handshake

3DR: the Greeks didn't have a specific handshake 

Emily: fishing for brown trout

JJ: coco jambo 

3DR: I feel excluded

❤MORGAN❤: slide up Cadbury lane.

JJ: packing a pipe

DAD: saddlebacking 

JJ: booty darts

MOM: vein train to a-town

3DR: excuse me?

Baby Girl: crotch rocket landing in Uranus 

JJ: riding the back road

❤MORGAN❤: getting accepted to brown.

Emily: nudge the fudge

3DR: just say it in terms id understand.

JJ: cleaning the gutters

Emily: parking in the hershe highway

Baby Girl: stuffing the trunk

❤MORGAN❤: doing it Elton John style

MOM: a Turkish handshake

DAD: backwoods rodeo

MOM: pillow biting 

JJ: sticking the butter in the pantry 

3DR: PLAIN. WORDS.

Baby Girl: Mormon loophole 

Emiy: Bavarian mudslide

❤MORGAN❤: flooding the basement 

Baby Girl: breaking down the back door

Emily: stuff a rooster in the basement 

3DR: FOR FUCKS SAKE JUST TELL ME

JJ: banana in the tail pipe

DAD: carving the pumpkin 

MOM: Roman birth control 

❤MORGAN❤: planting seeds in the dirt

Emily: pile driving the pipes

3DR: IM LOST AND CONFUSED 

MOM: a San Francisco kiss

JJ: repurposing the exit door

Baby Girl: slamming the reset button

❤MORGAN❤: tucking in a tootsie roll

JJ: hitting the high note

3DR: JUST FUCKING TELL ME ASSHOLES

MOM: spencer come back

DAD: please?

JJ: do you really want to know??

3DR: DUH!  
3DR: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANY OF THAT WAS  
3DR: AND NOBODY WOULD TELL ME!

Emily: spencer sweety, those are all slang for anal sex. 

3DR: those are all horrible and I am the one that will have to remember them forever.

Baby Girl: sorry sweetie 

JJ: what was all this about again?

Baby Girl: uuuuhhhh.....  
Baby Girl: 🤷

Emily: shit I forgot....

❤MORGAN❤: something to do with mom I think....

Emily: ya.....  
Emily: oh.  
Emily: OH!  
Emily: THATS RIGHT  
Emily: MOM WHY ARE YOU LIMPING

MOM: I tripped on one of jacks toys tweaked my hip. 

Emily: i really want to believe you.  
Emily: and thats a great reason.

JJ: honestly em, get evidence first.

Emily: morgan started the slang thing not me.

Baby Girl: ya but you started all of this.

Emily: thats ok, we've all been entertained.

MOM: you just enjoy accusing me of things

Emily: well ya....

DAD: wild accusations aren't very nice

JJ: but theyre fun so....

3DR: save the accusations for when you have actual evidence 

Emily: thats no fun....

❤MORGAN❤: emily ill give you 30 dollars to fucking stop

MOM: bribery is a crime.

DAD: and hypocrisy is rude.

JJ: oh?

Emily: is that sufficient evidence?!?!?!?!

❤MORGAN❤: no.

Baby Girl: it should be.

MOM: but its not so get back to work.

Baby Girl: 😔

\------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look, I forgot where I was going so Emily did too. It was super fun to find all the ways to say anal sex and I forgot where I was going with this chapter so ya


	8. More spoilers ❤

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOM = a specific aesthetic that I dont remember  
> DAD = an Italian   
> Baby Girl = a literal angel   
> ❤MORGAN❤ = a good man  
> Emily = a beautiful lesbian   
> JJ = the lesbians lover  
> 3DR = an adult child
> 
> More spoilers. The supernatural series finale has crushed us all and here is my reactions. Well, hotch and emilys reactions but its the same thing ok...

Traumatized Badasses 

7:42 pm

\---

DAD: has anyone seen aaron or emily??

3DR: no. Why?

DAD: theyre nowhere I can find.

❤MORGAN❤: aren't we all supposed to go out drinking...

JJ: emilys bag is still here, but hotchs office lights are out and the doors locked....

3DR: maybe hotch left early and emily is using the bathroom?

JJ: maybe they're hiding?

Baby Girl: moms car is still parked here

DAD: why tf would they be hiding?

❤MORGAN❤: maybe try calling one of them? 

JJ: emily has her phone on do-not-disturbe while at work

DAD: so does aaron.

❤MORGAN❤: maybe hotch is hiding in the vents again...

DAD: again?

3DR: ya he used to do it a lot before the Boston case. Then he took over as unit chief and 🤷♂️ 

DAD: why did he even start??

Baby Girl: he told me he would hide in your office before you left. I guess he likes hiding...

DAD: oh  
DAD: its a stress thing.

3DR: huh  
3DR: hiding from stress?

DAD: more like hiding from loud/busy places

3DR: ah

❤MORGAN❤: no in-team profiling reid.

3DR: sorry....

JJ: henry hides when he hes overwhelmed 

Baby Girl: but henry is a kid

JJ: I nap when I'm overwhelmed, which is also a form of hiding

3DR: hiding or even just leaving the stressful situation is a common coping mechanism for dealing with complex emotions or reactions 

Baby Girl: but seriously where could they be??

Emily: were alive.

MOM: unfortunately 

3DR: whats wrong?

❤MORGAN❤: whats goin on??

Emily: we watched the last episode of spn.

3DR: oh..  
3DR: are you guys ok?  
3DR: do you  
3DR: do you need hugs?

MOM: no.

Emily: yes.

MOM: im simultaneously at peace and viciously disappointed 

Emily: 15 years and that's what we get...

MOM: they just...   
MOM: it was so rushed. Like they just wanted to wash their hands of a 15 year legacy 

Emily: no eilene....

MOM: no cas...  
MOM: at least the actors are upset with us...

Emily: i may never be whole again

MOM: denial works, what is cannon but a thin veil between imagination and reality 

Baby Girl: holy philosophy batman....

DAD: aaron where are you guys?

MOM: stewing in a pit of emotional despair 

Emily: staring into void begging for answers

DAD: a physical place please 

❤MORGAN❤: thats some tumblr shit post nihilism right there 

3DR: it can be argued that despair is a place of relative   
physicality 

MOM: see.  
MOM: also im interested in your theroy reid.

3DR: but the rule on team profiling...

MOM: its just a theory isn't it?

3DR: sort of?

MOM: then go for it.

3DR: oooooookay....  
3DR: with what little we know for sure about your childhood, we know it wasnt good. I dont know specifics or details and I wont ask but the blanks can be filled in. You suffered neglect at least, and because of that you didn't have the proper stimulation or a safe environment to develop emotionally healthy coping mechanisms. Now when you experience stress or become overwhelmed you hide from it in an attempt to detach yourself so you can sort through everything. 

MOM: a solid theory.

3DR: was i right?

❤MORGAN❤: was he right?

MOM: i said i wanted to hear his theory, not that I would confirm or deny it.

Emily: so you're just acknowledged the theory but not answering it?

MOM: pretty much

Emily: thats cold

Baby Girl: im gonna hug the fuck out of you mom

MOM: why?

Baby Girl: because you need affection.

MOM: okay then

Baby Girl: well where are you guys? Ill give all the hugs and comfort 

MOM: in my office.

Baby Girl: the doors locked my leige 

MOM: dave has a key.

Emily: why does dave have a key?

MOM: why not?

DAD: who do you guys want to come in and give comfort?

MOM: everyone?

Emily: everyone?

DAD: ok  
DAD: aaron i can't find the key...

MOM: check in the drawer with the scotch glasses

DAD: found it

3DR: i still want to know if I'm right 

MOM: its nice to want. 

\---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a ginormous headache and want to cry so this is short 😊


	9. And that last thunk?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOM = hotch, a man who needs a hug  
> DAD = dave, probably give good hugs  
> 3DR = a v sad genius   
> ❤MORGAN❤ = a hunk a hunk of burning love  
> Baby Girl = the love of my life   
> JJ = was a mean girl in high-school   
> Emily = exactly my type
> 
> This is a v short chapter cause I'm staying with my grandpa for Thanksgiving and like.... idk im just not feelin it ya know

Traumatized Badasses 

5:27 pm

\---

Baby Girl: i have everyone's hotel rooms ready. But there's a small issue....

MOM: whats the issue?

Baby Girl: there was only 3 rooms available. 

DAD: thats fine. I dont see an issue..

Baby Girl: theyre all one bed.

JJ: well, we've had to share before so it should be fine.

Emily: it'll be fine. Its a simple case.

MOM: were still very likely to miss Thanksgiving 

JJ: 😥

DAD: well just do something simple when we get home  
DAD: we can all come over to my place and I'll throw something together 

MOM: thats really sweet of you dave

DAD: I try

Baby Girl: so everyone's fine with the one bed thing???

❤MORGAN❤: ya we cool 

3DR: morgan and I can room together 

JJ: and em and I 

DAD: so that leaves you and I aaron

MOM: 🤙

JJ: yay we all have cuddle buddies

Baby Girl: yay now does anyone need me to find anything? 

MOM: just the history on the victims for now

3DR: could I go to the coroner's? I have a theory

DAD: sure

MOM: is the theory ready to share??

3DR: not really no

MOM: ok, call me if it becomes anything 

\----

12:56 am

❤MORGAN❤: who the fuck is banging on the walls

JJ: it isn't us

Emily: you mean it's not you guys?!?!?!

3DR: maybe its hotch and rossi

Emily: its about time hotch gets laid, hes v stressed

JJ: em come on

Emily: what? Im just saying

3DR: I doubt it, mom is v professional 

DAD: sorry to burst everyone's bubble but no. It wasnt us

MOM: ok technically it was us but it wasn't what you think

Emily: you weren't bumping ugliest?

DAD: no I was throwing pillows at aaron until he stopped looking at paperwork

MOM: were missing something I just don't know what yet

DAD: just go to sleep asshole

❤MORGAN❤: and that last thunk?

DAD: a shoe

MOM: FINE goodnight guys

3DR: 🤙😴

JJ: ❤😴

‐---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like I said, v short. But happy turkey day, stay hydrated, I love you all ❤❤❤


	10. A Late Thanksgiving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOM = a ticklish aaron is a cute aaron
> 
> DAD = honestly everything dave says to aaron can be taken as an innuendo 
> 
> Emily = a simp for blonde one blonde lssbian 
> 
> JJ = aforementioned lesbian 
> 
> Baby Girl = if you insult my garcia I will find you and kill you
> 
> ❤MORGAN❤ = the only man capable of topping a genius
> 
> 3DR = morgans boi
> 
> Hello all!!!! How was thanksgiving?? Was your families nice? Did you eat enough??? Did you drink water?? Anyone have a wine drunk aunt?? I love you all, especially those who comment, but all of you none the less ❤❤❤

Traumatized Badasses 

4:42pm

\----

Baby Girl: what time do you guys land????

MOM: about 5 

3DR: we will be landing at 5:07 pm.

JJ: about 5

DAD: 5 ish

Emily: whenever the plain wants to land.

❤MORGAN❤: maybe never lol

Baby Girl: ok.

MOM: why? 

Baby Girl: well....  
Baby Girl: I did a thing....

MOM: what is the thing?

Baby Girl: I got dinner for everyone  
Baby Girl: Jack, jess, and Henry are here with me.

MOM: a beautiful thing you've done

DAD: do you need us to pick anything up?

Baby Girl: well, the food is still hot...  
Baby Girl: maybe we go to your house?

DAD: sounds good. Well help you carry the food to the car.   
DAD: how about a sleepover? 

Baby Girl: the boys just started cheering so ill take that as a yes

MOM: Jess has a study group early tomorrow so she's going to   
head out once I get jack

Baby Girl: ya she just told me

JJ: did will drop off Henry?

Baby Girl: jess picked him up

MOM: were getting ready to land now so we'll be there soon

\-----

5:11 pm

\---

MOM: were all on our way

Baby Girl: ok, the kids are getting their coats on and the foods all ready to go

MOM: ok good

\-----

11:56 pm

\--

Baby Girl: same sleeping arrangements i see

JJ: yep

3DR: why is the sleeping arrangement so intriguing to you?

Emily: none of us are straight and I thrive on love

❤MORGAN❤: if everyone is getting sleep and maybe cuddles then you should be content.

MOM: were all under the same roof so you should just be sleeping

Emily: am I ruining you're sexy times??

JJ: did we interrupt your pillow biting?

Baby Girl: is the notifications stopping you from getting your greek handshake?

3DR: coitus interruptus??

DAD: ill take everyone out for breakfast if you all fucking stop

MOM: tf crawled up your ass dave?

DAD: a lack of sleep

MOM: me too but at least I'm not being a dick to our kids.

DAD: their your kids when they arent listening 

MOM: the fuck they are, they're mine when they're happy and successful 

3DR: so im not your kid 😥

MOM: no your my favorite, tied for first.

Baby Girl: HEY

MOM: garcia your the other one tied for first.

DAD: wtf you can't just pick favorites 

MOM: says who?

DAD: ME

MOM: WELL YOUR NOT MY FAVORITE EITHER SO 

DAD: BUT I SHOULD BE

MOM: I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DONT STOP FUCKING HITTING ME WITH THAT FUCKING PILLOW IM GONNA LOCK YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN DAMN HOUSE

DAD: THEN SAY YOU DONT HAVE FAVORITES 

MOM: BUT THATD BE LYING 

JJ: JUST PICK JACK AS YOUR FAVORITE AND BE DONE WITH IT

Emily: FFS NOW YOURE THE ONES KEEPING US UP

❤MORGAN❤: IDK ABOUT YALL BUT IM LIVING FOR THIS

3DR: mother please... stop this madness 

Baby Girl: GO MOM!!!!

MOM: Jack is my favorite because he's actually fucking sleeping.

JJ: how do you know?

DAD: I have cameras around the property and one in the living room

Emily: how is mom even able to check them?

MOM: cause I'm daves favorite 

DAD: no my favorite is scotch

MOM: oh im so locking you out of the house

DAD: fucking bet  
DAD: I have spare keys you wouldn't even dream of.

MOM: you have 7 spare keys. 

DAD: ....  
DAD: fuck.

MOM: and I know where all of them are.

Emily: who was that girly squeal?

3DR: it wasnt me...

Baby Girl: not me either

❤MORGAN❤: WHAT TF JUST HIT THE FLOOR?!?!?!?!

MOM: I was pushed out of bed

DAD: aaron is ticklish 

MOM: I am not.

DAD: you are, you even squeeled

MOM: shut your lying mouth i am not fucking ticklish 

DAD: then get back in bed and prove it

Baby Girl: another thunk

JJ: what was that other thunk??

DAD: aaron pushed me out of bed

Baby Girl: you guys are acting like middle schoolers at a sleepover and im living for it

❤MORGAN❤: God l love this family 😂

3DR: im just super confused about how mom knows where daves spare keys are...

DAD: he has one, and I told him where two other where.   
DAD: not sure how he know where the other 4 are...

MOM: I AM a profiler. 

❤MORGAN❤: and a sneaky one too.

MOM: I have no idea what you're talking about.

DAD: you are.   
DAD: super sneaky.

JJ: would that make mom a slytherin?

Baby Girl: yes it would.   
Baby Girl: WAIT  
Baby Girl: whats everyone's Hogwarts house??

3DR: slytherin = mom and emily  
Ravenclaw =me  
Hufflepuff = garcia and jj  
Gryffindor = derek  
3DR: im not sure about dave 

Baby Girl: got that badger pride 🤙

JJ: BADGER PRIDE 🤙🤙

Emily: what IS dads house.....

DAD: ravenclaw maybe?

MOM: 🤷♂️

DAD: well you're helpful.

MOM: I try

Emily: ya I think dads a ravenclaw

DAD: I just looked up the house traits and ya, I totally agree.

MOM: OH!  
MOM: garcia I just thought of something I think you'd find funny

Baby Girl: do tell 

MOM: there's four categories of birds   
1\. Mean ones  
2\. Cute ones  
3\. Annoying ones  
4\. Fancy ones

Baby Girl: ah, the four birb flavors... ow, aww, ugh, and ooohh...

3DR: thats ..   
3DR: no.

MOM: too late.  
MOM: these are the new official birb flavors.

Emily: can we start pointing at birbs and saying their flavor title?

JJ: omg please?!?!?!?!

MOM: yes

Baby Girl: YAY

❤MORGAN❤: wtf...

3DR: please no....

DAD: please no

MOM: well, now we have to.   
MOM: to annoy dave and reid.

Baby Girl: yep. 

JJ: we have to.

Emily: thems the rules

MOM: im so proud

DAD: just go to sleep guys  
DAD: please its like 1 am

Emily: no ❤

MOM: you aren't even trying to sleep asshole 

DAD: I will smother you 

MOM: finally  
MOM: I was wondering when someone would grant me death

Emily: mom are you ok

MOM: no ❤

\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look, my only dopamine supply is from your comments. Even if you just key smash or tell me to go fuck myself I still live off of your comments


	11. 😳 oh 😳

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MOM = a "scary" baby boy who doesn't fucking listen   
> DAD = only one stong enough to know how to get aaron to listen   
> Emily = my favorite lesbian   
> JJ = emilys better half  
> ❤MORGAN❤ = a twunk (twunk is from whump-town on tumblr)   
> 3DR = a classy twink  
> Baby Girl = my darling, my darling, my life and my bride
> 
> Heeeeyyyy guys! Honestly I have no idea when the team is gonna know about Aaron and Dave because I've been writing that chapter for like........ 3 months and its still not done sooooooo 
> 
> Ya, anyway I love you all ❤❤❤❤ stay hydrated

Traumatized Badasses

12:16 pm

\------ 

MOM: guys I just heard the funniest rumor ever

Emily: do tell

MOM: apparently Emily and i are siblings..

Emily: wrong. You're my mom.

MOM: emily you're two years older than me.

Emily: whos gives a fuck.

DAD: a couple of people think Henry is actually reid kid.

3DR: false. But, let me have some time to cover up a murder and he'll be mine.

JJ: you'd kill me just to get custody of Henry?

3DR: yes. 

JJ: valid.

Baby Girl: i have a few...  
Baby Girl: i shall list them.  
Baby Girl: 1. I slept with hotch to get the job.   
2\. Rossi is everyones sugar daddy.   
3\. Hotch is a vampire.   
4\. Morgan has pec implants   
5\. The bottom drawer of hotchs desk is filled with alcohol and we all get hammered after cases  
6\. We're all in a poly relationship 

Emily: there was a rumor that hotch and I were dating

MOM: ew

Emily: right

DAD: i heard one that Reid is my kid

3DR: lol wow

Baby Girl: we do call you dad tho...

❤MORGAN❤: there was one going around that hotch and jj were having an affair and that's why hotch got divorced 

MOM: also ew  
MOM: wait why do people think im a vampire 

JJ: you don't eat at work

DAD: youre very pale

Emily: you work late nights

❤MORGAN❤: you still have the record for fastest speed test time

3DR: you seem like an asshole on the exterior but we still love you and listen to you so people assume compulsion 

MOM: I would hate being a vampire

Emily: why?!?!?!

MOM: existence is awful and eternal life is a cruel curse

Emily: ok but eternal beauty

MOM: art is long and time is fleeting   
MOM: as it should be.

JJ: excuse me?

3DR: a psalm of life by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

Emily: mom reads poetry??

MOM: ya

Baby Girl: OOOHHHH  
Baby Girl: who're your favorites????

MOM: 🤷♂️

Baby Girl: thats not an answer 

DAD: there's a rumor that Emily is a lesbian 

Emily: A RUMOR   
Emily: PEOPLE ARE DOUBTING IT!!  
Emily: HOW MUCH MORE OBVIOUS CAN I BE

MOM: wear pride colors to work   
MOM: write lesbian on your forehead   
MOM: stand up on your desk and scream "I am a lesbian" as loud as you can.

DAD: we can video tape the desk thing if you want

JJ: we could get caught making out on "accident" 

Emily" im gonna make a Frankenstein smoosh of all of these ideas. 

MOM: can we plan it of a day where nobody important/in charge of me is actually in the office??

Emily: yes.

Baby Girl: can I help with the outfit?!?!?!?!?!

Emily: oh fuck ya

JJ: you have to scream "I am a lesbian" and then kiss me, I dont make the rules

MOM: you owe me $50 dave.

DAD: couldn't you guys have waited to come out until Christmas?? Jesus fuck

❤MORGAN❤: you guys where betting on jj and Emily coming out as a couple?

MOM: ya 

3DR: why?

MOM: because we knew they were together and it was just a matter of time until they came out

JJ: you guys KNEW!!!!

MOM: of course we knew....  
MOM: were profilers after all

Emily: wow  
Emily: what about the no profiling teammates rule?

DAD: people actually listen to that rule?

MOM: most of the time ya

3DR: we don't profile the micro expressions, but its hard to miss things that are blatantly obvious.

DAD: like jj and emily pulling their heads out of their asses and finally getting together 

MOM: exactly.

JJ: im still just...  
JJ: I THOUGHT WE WERE BEING DISCREET 

Baby Girl: you were not.

❤MORGAN❤: its pretty obvious when we can hear you kissing on the jet.

MOM: drawing the curtain by the coffee machine just so you can make out

DAD: holding hands under the table as if we can't see it

3DR: the several times Emily has almost called jj babe.

Baby Girl: jj forgetting to close her blinds all the way

Emily: oh sweet jesus 

JJ: 😳 oh 😳

\--------


	12. I AM A LESBIAN!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emily = a lesbian   
> JJ = the light of emilys life  
> 3DR = professor twink   
> ❤MORGAN❤ = an actual king   
> Baby Girl = the only woman ill ever really love  
> MOM = how much more obviously gay can he be?  
> DAD = can help aaron be more gay
> 
> Yay Emily is coming out!!! 
> 
> So listen.... the big drinking chapter??  
> Its almost 2k words and like... thats only pt.1
> 
> I love you all ❤❤

Traumatized Badasses 

5:53 am

\---

MOM: ok, who has my red tie.  
MOM: the one with the black stripes.

3DR: idk

Baby Girl: I only have your old academy t-shirt 

JJ: I have your wool gloves I think

3DR: I have your winter jacket

❤MORGAN❤: lemme check

Emily: i have one of your suit jackets

❤MORGAN❤: YOOOO I've got the tie.  
❤MORGAN❤Want me to bring it to work?

MOM: please

❤MORGAN❤: okey doke 🤙

Baby Girl: I also have one of your scarfs 

MOM: honestly I just want the tie back  
MOM: its one of my favorites 

❤MORGAN❤: could you bring me one? I was gonna wear it today

MOM: sure, which one?

❤MORGAN❤: surprise me?

MOM: ok

JJ: I think for Halloween next year we should all go as mom.

Baby Girl: yaaaaaaaas

Emily: omg yes 

3DR: oh we so should!!!!

DAD: can I not?

MOM: you would deny our children the simple pleasure of matching costumes?

DAD: yes.

MOM: wow 

❤MORGAN❤: dude 😥

Emily: 😱😥

Baby Girl: 😥😥 whhhyyy 😥😥

DAD: I dont need a reason

3DR: but daaaaadd

DAD: ummm

Emily: but father 

❤MORGAN❤: why father?

JJ: father 🥺

Baby Girl: papa why??

MOM: I think you have to now

DAD: fine. 

3DR: yay!

Baby Girl: 🥰🤗👏👏

Emily: id be disappointed if you'd've continued saying no.

3DR: excuse me.

Emily: did it spell it wrong??  
Emily: I did not.

3DR: "you'd've" is not a fucking word Emily.

Emily: it is now.

Baby Girl: you'd've 

JJ: you'd've 

MOM: you'd've 

❤MORGAN❤: you'd've 

DAD: I agree with reid.  
DAD: its not a fucking word.

Emily: you'd've 

MOM: its 5 to one  
MOM: sorry but its a word now.

Emily: so I have my lesbian pride outfit in my car...

MOM: well bitch it's your lucky day  
MOM: were unsupervised.

Emily: oh sweet baby fuck yes

JJ: so... what time??

DAD: after lunch??

3DR: I have to give a lecture at the community college from 10 to 6 

MOM: God that's a long time....

❤MORGAN❤: I will video tape it for you 

3DR: fuck ya

DAD: im taking pictures 

Baby Girl: im squeeling in unhinged excitement 

MOM: unhinged excitement is your constant.  
MOM: im going to make sure no higher ups hear about it.

JJ: death glare?

Emily: oh ya  
Emily: death glare.

\-------

12:23 pm

\--

MOM: emily go change

Emily: 🏃♀️

Baby Girl: ILL HELP

DAD: morgan do you have a decent camera?

❤MORGAN❤: yes I do 😎

DAD: okay good

3DR: were taking an hour lunch so ill be available 

❤MORGAN❤: do you want me to video call you or do you want me to send you an actual video

3DR: can we do both??

DAD: I'll video call you

3DR: yay!!!

Baby Girl: emily is almost done getting changed 

JJ: im ready whenever 

Emily: how do we wanna do this boss??

MOM: we should hang out around your desk, wait until more everyone is settled into lunch, and then you get up on your desk and do your thing.

Baby Girl: this is why you're our leader  
Baby Girl: you got them problem solving skills

Emily: well then, let's get our coffees and get our gay on.

3DR: hey I can't do a video call, apparently the campus has a block on it.

DAD: rude but ok

MOM: were taking a video.

Emily: ok, im on my way to my desk 🥰

❤MORGAN❤: shall we all go get coffee?

DAD: indeed

MOM: jj?

JJ: omw

MOM: 👍

\---

1:15 pm

\---

❤MORGAN❤: [video attached]

3DR: wtf

MOM: would you like a video description? 

3DR: yes please...

JJ: lol

MOM: emily stands on her desk, yells "everybody shut up!", people eventually shut up.  
Emily says "there's a rumor going around that I am a lesbian. Its not just a rumor. I am a lesbia!!"  
Emily pulls JJ up onto the chair, jj almost falls, dave holds her steady.  
Emily kisses jj.   
Everyone claps and whistles,  
John fucking Evans walks in and says "what the hell is going on here"   
Almost unanimously everyone says "nothing sir"   
Emily says she was "killing a spider on the ceiling and jj was holding me up and rossi was making sure jj didn't fall"   
John looks like he wants fire everyone but then leaves. The end.

DAD: not "the end" aaron.

MOM: ok fine..  
MOM: after morgan cut the video John asked to see me in his office

3DR: well fuck...

MOM: no its ok because he just wanted to tell me that he's renewing the rule on   
inner-team dating and asked me to review the new rules.

3DR: WHAT!!!!

MOM: ya so if you're dating a team member, John will review cases you've worked since you started dating and the ones before. If your work continues to go well or even goes better then you're good to go.

Emily: thats...  
Emily: wow

JJ: hooooooly shit

❤MORGAN❤: for real???

MOM: yup.

3DR: any back draws??

MOM: you'll get in mild trouble if you're being gross at work.

Baby Girl: and?

MOM: im not sure yet

DAD: when will we know?

MOM: when John is no longer amused by my anxiety for being in suspense.

JJ: rude

Baby Girl: 😧

Emily: anxiety is only funny in memes 

MOM: everything is funny in memes  
MOM: I could turn my tragic back story into a meme and itd be fucking hilarious 

Emily: lol same

❤MORGAN❤: yall are fucked up

3DR: don't pitch tent in a pig pen if you're going to complain about the smell.

DAD: 👀

Baby Girl: spencer have I told you I love you recently??

3DR: yes but I do love hearing it.

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ya, that happened. I can write all the dialog but I have zero skill in anything else.
> 
> Please leave kudos/comments so that way I can have serotonin and dopamine ❤❤❤❤❤
> 
> Stay hydrated 😘


	13. Family feels and cookie recipes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how in the whole mother of fuck am I at 13 chapters?? Like wtf you guys are actually reading this shit?? I love you all so fuckin much ❤❤ stay hydrated 😘😘😘
> 
> Anywho... only Emily and hotch are in this chapter sooo
> 
> Emily = a disaster lesbian whom we all will follow to hell.  
> MOM = he has all the braincells but never more than one at the same time.

Traumatized Badasses 

11:32 pm

\---

Emily: how does one bake cookies?

MOM: what kind of cookies?

Emily: chocolate chip??

MOM: don't you have a smart phone?

Emily: ya but if I use my phone then I dont get quality time with you mom

MOM: fine  
MOM: do you have all your ingredients?

Emily: I haaaavvveeee  
Emily: sugar, flour, salt, chocolate chip, vanilla, aaaaaannnnddddd.....  
Emily: eggs.

MOM: you need to get butter, baking soda, and brown sugar

Emily: ok then imma go to the store.

MOM: do you have cookie sheets? 

Emily: ya

MOM: parchment paper?

Emily: why parchment paper?

MOM: it goes on the cookie sheets so you don't have to clean them.

Emily: oh fuck ya ill it to the list

MOM: are you wanting to make one batch? Or 2??

Emily: just one

MOM: ok then set out two sticks of butter so theyre soft 

Emily: ok  
Emily: im heading to the store now and the butter is on the counter

MOM: ok text me when you get home

Emily: 🤙🤙🤙

\--

12:04 am

\--

Emily: I AM HOME MOTHER

MOM: wonderful

Emily: teach me to make cookies.

MOM: preheat the oven to 375 

Emily: done

MOM: ok, in a small bowl put 2 1/4 cups of flour, 1 teaspoon of baking soda, and 1 teaspoon of salt. Mix it up

Emily: done.

MOM: good, in a big bowl put the two sticks of butter, 3/4 cup granulated sugar (the plain white sugar) 3/4 cup packed brown sugar (pack the brown sugar into the 3/4 cup so its tight) and1 teaspoon of vanilla extract. Mix it until its creamy and you can't feel any lumps.

Emily: ok its creamy and non lumpy 

MOM: ok. Now add your eggs one at a time and make sure they're well mixed in.

Emily: 👌

MOM: are they mixed in?

Emily: ya

MOM: ok now slowly add your flour mixture, tiny bits at a time.

Emily: its messy

MOM: so? You get cookies. 

Emily: valid.

MOM: is your flour mixed in??

Emily: yep.

MOM: okay put your parchment paper on the cookie sheets 

Emily: im still so happy about not having to clean cookie sheets

MOM: same  
MOM: spoon the cookie dough onto the sheets.  
MOM: try to make them sorta roundish

Emily: roundish accomplished 

MOM: don't put more than 6 cookies on one sheet

Emily: no more than six 🤙🤙

MOM: good. Is the oven done??

Emily: ya

MOM: good. Bake the cookies for 9 minutes.

Emily: alright  
Emily: mom...  
Emily: moM  
Emily: MMMOOOMMM

MOM: WHAT!

EMILY: thank you

MOM: did they come out well?

Emily: ya

MOM: good 👍 

Emily: I did three separate kinds of chips

MOM: ya?

Emily: chocolate for one batch   
Emily: then butterscotch   
Emily: and white chocolate 

MOM: they've got raspberry chips

Emily: ooooooo fuck ya

MOM: right

Emily: these are fuckin good

MOM: I know 😎

Emily: im going to get more chips and make sooooooo many fuckin cookies

MOM: lol good luck 

Emily: I LOVE YOU MOM

MOM: 💝

Emily: fucking dip your cookies in milk   
Emily: its fucking great

MOM: dip it in coffee with holiday coffee creamer.   
MOM: like a fucking adult. 

Emily: youre my hero ❤

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, I love cookies. Cookies make just about everything better. So make yourself some bomb ass cookies and if you use fun chips or like mnms then I hope you have the greatest cookie eating experience ever. 
> 
> Plz comment, stay hydrated, I love you all.


	14. Don't call me sir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im changing morgabs name but like.... not yet?  
> Anyway..
> 
> MOM = a soft shy boi  
> DAD = in a loving relationship with our soft shy boi  
> Emily = too much like mom  
> JJ = the only one with regular brain cell capability   
> ❤MORGAN❤ = is really fucking hard to type   
> 3DR = probably doesn't like Brussel sprouts   
> Baby Girl = there aren't enough sonnets in the world to describe my love for her

Traumatized Badasses

11:17 am

\----

Baby Girl: so we aren't gonna talk about this?

DAD: about what?

Baby Girl: mom why?

MOM: excuse me

Emily: the paint mother

MOM: what paint??

3DR: on your arms

MOM: goddammit 

Baby Girl: whats it from??

MOM: Jack wanted to try paint splatter art

❤MORGAN❤: its some fun shit ya?

MOM: ya  
MOM: and messy

Baby Girl: thats the fun part of painting

MOM: its not fun trying to wash it out of hair

JJ: yours or jacks?

MOM: Jack was lucky and only got it all over his arms  
MOM: and shirt  
MOM: and the carpet

DAD: so it was in your hair?

MOM: ya

Emily: beautiful 

❤MORGAN❤: can I change my name?? Or does someone else have to??

Emily: you can but I think garcia should

Baby Girl: I shall just let me think

❤MORGAN❤: alright

MOM: when did you guys notice the paint??

Baby Girl: when I gave you those files to approve

MOM: that was at 730 this morning garcia.

Baby Girl: I know

3DR: to be fair we all are still a little shocked

Emily: its like seeing an originally black and white film remade in color.  
Emily: you just have to stare in awe

MOM: did you just compare me to a fucking film

Emily: ya  
Emily: an old one

MOM: dave take her out of the will

DAD: no

MOM: of the fucking Christmas list too. 

Emily: you're a favoritest dick.

MOM: and youre adopted. 

Emily: 🥺

JJ: but she's the only one that looks even remotely like you  
JJ: or dave

MOM: you're all adopted jfc

3DR: what crawled up your ass?

❤MORGAN❤: probably not anything fun

Baby Girl: definitely nothing fun

MOM: you all suck

Emily: man period?

MOM: shut up

JJ: do you need a hug

MOM: no  
MOM: maybe

Baby Girl: I will hug you

MOM: fine

Emily: aaawww how adorable 

MOM: I will find a way to ground you Emily.

Emily: you will not.

JJ: emily babe.... do you really want to test that?

❤MORGAN❤: yaaa

Emily: damn gay I do.

MOM: I will give you desk duty. 

Emily: you wouldn't.

MOM: I have the paper work for it here in my office.   
MOM: I can even make it for "personal reasons" and suggest that you "see the company therapist".

Emily: mother  
Emily: mom  
Emily: sir  
Emily: my liege  
Emily: I most sincerely apologize for my ill timed humor at your expense  
Emily: I beg of you, look into your soul and show me mercy

MOM: you're good, I was just kidding lol  
MOM: I don't even have the paperwork   
MOM: and don't call me sir

Emily: yes ma'am 

JJ: yes ma'am 

Baby Girl: yes ma'am 

3DR: is this really wise?

❤MORGAN❤: maybe not but its fuckin funny

DAD: guys please just work

MOM: never.

DAD: then die by my hand

MOM: I wish death would stop being shy and just take me

Emily: 10/10 would runaway with death

MOM: not even runaway 

DAD: neither of you are allowed to die

MOM: why tf not

DAD: you think im capable of raising these kids alone??? 

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plz stay hydrated, take your meds, stretch your back. I love you all ❤❤❤❤   
> (Please comment? Its the only way i get dopamine or serotonin these days ❤)


	15. The "yes ma'am" and burning in hell for his sins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JJ = started some deep shit like a goddamn bitch.  
> Emily = honestly the only one that wears the pants in their relationship   
> 3DR = a smart lil baby  
> ❤MORGAN❤ = he doesnt know, he just works there.  
> Baby Girl = outshines the greatest sunset  
> DAD = is trying his best   
> MOM = is obsessed with spn, its his comfort show.
> 
> Alright yall, im eating a whole rotisserie chicken to myself and im still sooooo angry about John winchester existing. I hate him with a burning passion and now so does hotch. 
> 
> Anyway...

Traumatized Badasses 

6:32 pm

\---

MOM: garcia.  
MOM: we will have to talk about this.

DAD: noooo let it happen 

Baby Girl: im so sorry 

MOM: im not mad  
MOM: maybe a tiny bit embarrassed?  
MOM: once the embarrassment goes away it'll be fucking hilarious 

Emily: oh please share

JJ: whats going on?!?!?!?!

❤MORGAN❤: WHAT DID WE MISS???

Baby Girl: I called hotch, started with "hello mother" and at the end of the call I said "Yes Ma'am"   
Baby Girl: then I panicked and hung up

MOM: she was on speaker

Emily: oh god

JJ: which local was with you?

MOM: cheif Carson

3DR: well, it could be worse, it could've been that one guy. officer sanders.

DAD: its ok, I talked to Carson and everything's good. He won't be spreading wild rumors 

MOM: thank god lol

Baby Girl: im so sorry my liege 

MOM: its ok

Baby Girl: it just slipped out!

MOM: garcia its ok

Baby Girl: oh god your poor pride

MOM: PENELOPE   
MOM: its 👏 o 👏 k 👏  
MOM: you don't need to be upset

Baby Girl: BUT I CALLED YOU MOM AND MAAM WHILE ON A CASE!!!!  
Baby Girl: IF ANYONE UNCOOL HEARD WED BE IN ANOTHER HARASSMENT SEMINAR 

MOM: its ok

Emily: this is comedic gold right here.

JJ: lol right 

Baby Girl: please stop making jokes about my shame

MOM: its ok pen I promise

Baby Girl: I want to believe you

MOM: would like me to change the subject??

Baby Girl: please?

MOM: Great!   
MOM: were going to talk about spn.  
MOM: so about the bill Clinton case, with the affair. Misha Colins was an intern during that whole scandal and he wrote an article about it under his real name. His article spoke out against victem shaming. Of which ms. Lewinsky suffered a lot. Everyone tried to back bill Clinton and Lewinsky suffered so much all because she tried to show everyone the truth.. anyway... Twitter assholes have decided that misha himself was also having an affair with Bill Clinton.   
MOM: first of all, ew. Second of all, what the fuck.   
MOM: discuss. 

Emily: no. 

JJ: lol ew

DAD: ok, Bill Clinton is very much a ladies man. He would not have gone for a man, and as attractive as Misha is, Clinton would not have gone for him.  
DAD: also hes a misogynistic bastard.  
DAD: and evil  
DAD: ew

❤MORGAN❤: yes he is. And anyone with functional eyes would be happy and willing to do whatever Misha wanted.

3DR: not necessarily, some people are ace, some people have trauma preventing them from being with a man, and some people just aren't attracted to Misha Collins.

Emily: ok, to be fair. Misha Collins is a gentleman and wouldn't be throwing himself at a man whore.

MOM: tbh I'd probably sell my soul for Misha 

JJ: there's 15 seasons of a show telling you why you SHOULDNT SELL YOUR FUCKING SOUL

MOM: I would sell my soul for one nights good sleep.  
MOM: don't test me.

❤MORGAN❤: or you could stop taking on more than you need to and let us help, then you'd be able to relax.

MOM: or you could mind your own business 

DAD: I bet half of the files on your desk are for the rest of the team.

MOM: I bet you want to be desk bound.

DAD: im the senior profiler, arron, and can get you on mental health probation with zero problem.

MOM: so everyone has a little more paperwork to do when this case is over...

Emily: 🤣🤣🤣  
Emily: mom do you have coherent thoughts on the ending now?

MOM: I do.  
MOM: every single moment of deans life, he wanted a stable family and a life outside of the job. He wanted love and children and happiness. He almost got it in season 6 after Sam went to the cage.   
MOM: now, in the 12 years of pining, we all come to realize that destiel is endgame. Dean and cas are obviously in REQUITED love. But theyre both idiots with self esteem issues and were not gonna talk about that rn.   
MOM: we got jack,who is obviously dean and cas' child. And they're almost ok for a while.  
MOM: weren't gonna talk about 15:18.  
MOM: in 15:20 dean dies.  
MOM: he dies in the one way he tried so hard not to. He fought for so long to be more than just a weapon. He fought for the apple pie life and they ripped it from him.  
MOM: anyway.... he goes to heaven and talks to Bobby.   
MOM: which... FUCK YA BOBBY.  
MOM: anyway.... no cas. Bobby tells dean that cas is there and we don't even get to see him. Dean doesn't get to see the love of his life.   
MOM: and then we see Sam's life. And blurry wife.   
MOM: crappy wig  
MOM: son named dean  
MOM: the ending is... ok.   
MOM: its brotherly love and its a decent ending if we ignore everything they took from us. 

JJ: isn't it said that Mary and John are in heaven too??

Emily: oh God   
Emily: jj no....

MOM: JOHN FUCKING WINCHESTER

Baby Girl: jj what did you do....

MOM: John winchester is a horrible father.   
MOM: after Mary dies he makes dean raise sam. Turning Dean into the mom, dad, big brother, and best friend of his little brother. All so John can go on an anger feuled revenge crusade.   
MOM: now, Dean is used from a very young age to learn to make weapons, fight monsters, and protect Sam.   
MOM: in the rabits foot episode, they go to John's locker. We see Sam's soccer trophy, and deans first sawdoff. Sam got a mostly normal childhood because Dean tried so hard to protect him.

3DR: jj what did you start

MOM: now, in the first season we get a lot of examples of John's blatant abandonment of his children. Dean calls him crying because of the poltergeist in their childhood home. Sam calls John about Dean almost dying. John was even in the same fucking town as the boys and he ignored their existence.   
MOM: the reason Dean knew John was possessed was because John said he was proud of Dean. How fucked up is that...  
MOM: when Dean and Sam use the dream root Dean has to fight himself. Dean calls John an "obsessed bastard" and that Dean "didn't deserve what he got" which is so true.   
MOM: the episode where the boys go to heaven Dean talks about when Sam ran away. You don't need to be a profiler to know that John blamed Dean and then beat him.   
MOM: the episode where we see when Dean went to a boys home, he says he's bruised because of a werewolf, but those marks of his wrist are very much from human hands. Roughly John sized.   
MOM: im so angry about 19:20 because they had John winchester, an abusive alcoholic, a homophobe, go to heaven.   
MOM: you can clearly tell that John hurt Dean so severely that it scarred him for life. Preventing Dean from seeing himself as the caring, kind, amazing man he became.   
MOM: John winchester should have stayed in hell and spent an eternity paying for his sins. 

DAD: wow

JJ: I need to rewatch spn because I don't remember any of that..

Emily: mom...  
Emily: you good?

MOM: of course not ❤

3DR: so we all need to watch spn as profilers instead of fans. 

Baby Girl: aright.   
Baby Girl: were all watching spn together. 

MOM: we are.   
MOM: hope everyone's cool with random pausing and full scale profiling. 

❤MORGAN❤: i didn't even like spn  
❤MORGAN❤: but now im interested. 

MOM: 🙏

DAD: how about instead of random pausing we just....   
DAD: take a break after every episode to discus the our theories...

MOM: I knew I kept you around for something

\-----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay hydrated babies. I love you all! Remember to have vicious and loud amounts of pride!!!!!
> 
> I hate John winchester with a burning and unending passion. So now aaron does too. But we won't look too closely at the implications of trauma surrounding that. 
> 
> ❤❤❤❤❤


	16. Everyones out and they all want breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3DR = a man of intellectual power   
> DAD = likes pancakes but is wrong  
> ❤MORGAN ❤ = all about that baCON   
> Emily = she does not think therfore she does not am  
> Baby Girl = a god given solace (morgans specifically)  
> JJ = a good mom  
> MOM = he fly he bi he ready to die
> 
> If anyone knows if I got spencer wrong plz let me know because I myself don't know how to describe him as anything other than asexual and interested in intelligence so... plz help me fix it.

Traumatized Badasses 

1:26 am.

\---

MOM: ok, dave and I were talking.   
MOM: if everyone comes out by the end of the year I will take my winnings and take everyone out for dinner.  
MOM: children are optional but they're "invited" as well.

DAD: I love how you assume you're going to win.

MOM: I am.

Emily: how are you so sure???

MOM: profiling.

JJ: what about tHE NO PROFILING TEAMMATES RULE MOM??

❤MORGAN❤: YA MOM

MOM: I didn't profile teammates.  
MOM: I profiled my illegitimate children.  
MOM: big difference.

Baby Girl: aaawwww  
Baby Girl: im bi

JJ: pan

❤MORGAN❤: bi?  
❤MORGAN❤: pan?  
❤MORGAN❤: idk man love is unconditional and no matter what your s/o identifies as, you love them.

Emily: morgan you're an angel  
Emily: im a lesbian but yall knew that already 💋👑

DAD: I agree with Morgan

3DR: ok so..... im whats called a panromantic asexual   
3DR: I dont feel physical attraction   
3DR: but I could have an intellectual romance.

MOM: wonderful, everyone's getting pride flags for their desks.

Baby Girl: HEY  
Baby Girl: we came out  
Baby Girl: do you have anything to share with the class??

MOM: hi  
MOM: im bi  
MOM: im ready to die

DAD: ffs aaron 🙄 

JJ: 🤣🤣🤣

Baby Girl: yay!!!!!  
Baby Girl: so did you win mom?

MOM: I did

DAD: you got lucky.

MOM: no i just pay attention 

DAD: what I want to know is how tf you got Spencer's right  
DAD: and Derek

MOM: because... I pay... ATTENTION!!!!

DAD: jackass

3DR: out of professional curiosity....  
3DR: how much did you win?

MOM: 200

Emily: what the fuck

MOM: go big or go home?

JJ: anyway.....  
JJ: kids or no kids???

Baby Girl: well...  
Baby Girl: the kids will be there for other nights out

❤MORGAN❤: and we don't really get nights out when we aren't on cases...

JJ: and maybe the kids want a sleepover anyway....

MOM: so no kids??

DAD: no kids.

3DR: marvelous 

Baby Girl: where too??

JJ: how about that all day breakfast diner?

MOM: fuck yes.

❤MORGAN❤: BACON!!!!!!!!

DAD: pancakes, waffles, or French toast.  
DAD: discuss.

Baby Girl: French toast 

JJ: waffles

3DR: French toast 

❤MORGAN❤: French toast

MOM: French toast.

Emily: French toast.

MOM: dave?

DAD: the peer pressure is powerful rn  
DAD: pancakes.

MOM: im so disappointed 😞 

Emily: you're going to pick flat little lies over the breakfast of gods??

3DR: the texture in French toast is perfect

❤MORGAN❤: its so much easier to cut up into perfect pieces

JJ: I picked waffles and even I know pancakes suck

Emily: waffles can be excused. Theyre great with peanut butter.

MOM: waffles are great with peanut butter, syrup and cinnamon sugar.   
MOM: so thats forgivable.

DAD: im a simple guy

MOM: there's simple and then there's basic.

Emily: if you like pancakes you probably think uggs are cool

Baby Girl: I will defend uggs.

MOM: very comfy 6/10.

JJ: great for lazy snow day 6/10

3DR: what are uggs?...

MOM: its like a house slipper and a snow boot had a love child

Baby Girl: you don't even need to wear socks...

3DR: but I love socks

JJ: socks are optional 

3DR: always opt for socks.

Emily: you sleep with socks on dont you 😒 

3DR: whats wrong with that??

MOM: constricting  
MOM: too hot  
MOM: its like your toes are in jail

DAD: if you just washes your sheets then you can't feel the fabric

❤MORGAN❤: sticking your toes under the warmest part of the blankets and just feel the warmth and happiness slowly creep towards your soul

Baby Girl: the sick joy of putting your ice cold toes on your s/o 

3DR: all of these are valid reasons.  
3DR: I will need to run some experiments 

MOM: if its too much you can take it slow and step the socks down. Your normal ones, then shorter ones, then ankle socks, then no socks. 

DAD: may I suggest tucking a small blanket around your feet to help you adjust?

Emily: once socks are a non issue we will help you with the arts of sleep without pants

3DR: I shall record my findings.

MOM: it counts as science if you write it down

JJ: well in that case ill write down my findings in getting Henry to listen via reverse psychology 

Baby Girl: 🎉science🎉

❤MORGAN❤: the magic of the modern age 😌✊

\------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How tf do I add pictures? Also I love you guys   
> Christmas is in.... 6? Days... and im sooooooooo not ready. I love you all!!!! Stay hydrated!!!!!


	17. The case of the missing mom, and a little bit of pineapple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ❤MORGAN❤ = very worried about mom  
> 3DR = afraid being left behind   
> Emily = fakes confidence but needs her family   
> JJ = is not the voice of reason right now  
> Baby Girl = really good at finding peoples location  
> DAD = was just trying to get lucky  
> MOM = agreed with rossi (now kinds regrets it)
> 
> Listen.. ok this whole chapter was fueled by my sister and I panicking about my mom not answering her phone. She's usually up early in the morning and I tried to call her and she didn't pick up and my sister tried and still nothing. Its cool tho my mom just had a migraine and was sleeping so... yay im not an orphan!!!!
> 
> Also I busted this chapter out while cleaning my house so its cool.

Traumatized Badasses 

6:37 am

\--

❤MORGAN❤: has anyone talked to hotch?

Baby Girl: its a Saturday....

❤MORGAN❤: we were supposed to go running together  
❤MORGAN❤: we were supposed to meet up at 6:30 and hes late 

Emily: did you call him?

❤MORGAN❤: yes. Twice.

JJ: he didn't answer for me either....

3DR: okay  
3DR: one thing we should do is not panic.....

Baby Girl: probably not.

❤MORGAN❤: I drove by his house.  
❤MORGAN❤: no car, house locked, windows secure...

JJ: ill text jess

Baby Girl: his phone is at rossis house....

❤MORGAN❤: and rossis?

Baby Girl: yes

Emily: okay maybe they did a dudes night?

3DR: and Jack really likes spending time with dave

JJ: jess said that they do nights at rossis sometimes and jack is always super happy and stays up late with mom and dave...  
JJ: they could've stayed up late and slept in?

Baby Girl: darek you can come over, I've got coffee. We can panic together 

❤MORGAN❤: so im not driving over to rossis house?

Baby Girl: no sweety

JJ: we will take turns calling/texting until we all band together in mutual panic and storm the house

❤MORGAN❤: a solid plan.

3DR: so its only 7....  
3DR: full panic at 9?

Baby Girl: sounds good.  
Baby Girl: I have coffee and cinnamon rolls, who wants to come over for breakfast?

Emily: jjs getting Henry ready and then were on our way

3DR: could you guys pick me up?

JJ: of course.

Baby Girl: great see everyone soon.

\---

7: 27 am

\---

❤MORGAN❤: lets keep this worry in the gc so we don't bother henry.

Emily: great idea

❤MORGAN❤: so, about the 9 am storm the house thing...  
❤MORGAN❤: what if they're already awake and we just annoyed them so much theyre just ignoring us

Emily: mom and dad would do that.  
Emily: right?

JJ: no?

Baby Girl: no no no   
Baby Girl: dad would... well he'd tell us he's annoyed and then ask for silence for a bit...

3DR: mom would just go for a run or for coffee and then he'd come back and be ok

Emily: right  
Emily: no its cool were good  
Emily: right?

JJ: ya totally 

Baby Girl:I feel like we should all get therapists for Christmas  
Baby Girl: for our abandonment issues...

3DR: its not abandonment issues...  
3DR: its just the accute fear of being unworthy or unwanted 

Emily: the tiny little anxiety voice tell you that everyone you care about wants to leave you as soon as is polite.

❤MORGAN❤: ya definitely   
❤MORGAN❤: its just needing to know that the people we love are safe and like, actually like us and love us

Baby Girl: its not like we're all codependent people pleasers who need acceptance and affection to survive....

JJ: no of course not.  
JJ: this is normal for a group like us

Emily: ya our issues aren't that bad  
Emily: we just need constant reassurance that were wanted and loved and not annoying 

❤MORGAN❤: of course not.  
❤MORGAN❤: no this is just healthy worry for our mom who, when last time he didn't answer his phone, he was stabbed nine times and almost died.

3DR: yes.  
3DR: healthy worry due to job related trauma

Baby Girl: yes, healthy worry.

Emily: so who wants to watch cartoons to avoid a full blown panic attack?

Baby Girl: fuck ya

❤MORGAN❤: im down

JJ: wonderful

\----

8:30 am

\----

Baby Girl: so are we going to get ready??

❤MORGAN❤: yes. Neither mom nor rossi has called or texted and its almost 9 and the coffee is making this whole situation worse 🙃

3DR: carpool?

Emily: sure

JJ: everyone get your shoes, were leaving in 10 

Baby Girl: should we maybe try calling again??

Emily: ill call while on the way.

❤MORGAN❤: great im driving.  
❤MORGAN❤: everyone in the car.

\------

8:45 am

\----

DAD: you guys need therapy   
DAD: and a proper breakfast 

MOM: and a hug

Emily: how do we know its the real you and not kidnappers??

DAD: we were just on the phone with jj?

MOM: we were on speaker and everyone heard our voices??

3DR: tell us things only the real mom and dad would know.

DAD: Derek sings to himself when he washes dishes. Its always 80s love songs because that whats him, his mom, and sisters would sing when they cleaned.

MOM: Penelope started teaching jess, jack, and I how to knit.   
MOM: were pretty awful fyi.

DAD: spencer can't sleep without a night light so he carries one in his go bag

MOM: jj did Spencer's makeup. Smokey eye, winged liner, the whole nine yards.

DAD: emily can't make bread from scratch.   
DAD: I've tried to teach you three different times and you followed the recipe to the letter and I directly supervised and it still went wrong.  
DAD: every time you ended up crying on the floor and I had to play disney songs until you where able to feel better.

❤MORGAN❤: yep.   
❤MORGAN❤: thats mom and dad.

Emily: fabulous.

Baby Girl: since its December were gonna call that the "familial warmth of being known"  
Baby Girl: instead of the mortifying ordeal of being known....

3DR: a capital idea.

MOM: pure genius  
MOM: most definitely 

DAD: so, who wants eggs?

3DR: with cheese??

DAD: is there any other way?

Baby Girl: yay!!!!!

MOM: im sorry I missed our run Derek

❤MORGAN❤: nah its cool, I burned enough calories panicking anyway 🙂

MOM: im sorry guys

Baby Girl: so why did you sleep in???

DAD: him and Jack came over for a guys night, jack made a hard bargain and he stayed up super late with us so we all slept in

MOM: jacks still asleep anyway 

JJ: Henry fell asleep in the car  
JJ: could I put him with jack?

MOM: sure   
MOM: I just checked on him and he's still asleep

❤MORGAN❤: yall got coffee brewing??

DAD: yep

MOM: were going to need to talk about everyone's abandonment issues.

Baby Girl: can we just boil it down to it being because of the last time you didn't answer you phone...

MOM: we could  
MOM: but that wouldn't help anything pen.

DAD: maybe we all just need to watch some TV, drink coffee, and fit as many of us as possible on the couch.

JJ: a Saturday family cuddle puddle??

MOM: sure

Baby Girl: marvelous 

❤MORGAN❤: yay family cuddles!

Emily: mom, I hope you're aware that you're going to be unable to move.  
Emily: well all end up koala'd to you

MOM: im prepared 

DAD: do you guys have the time to stop at the store??

Emily: ya what for

DAD: a thing of tajin 

JJ: whats tajin and whats it for

DAD: its a spice blend thats really good on pineapple   
DAD: and im out

Emily: I guess 🙄

❤MORGAN❤: is it really good or this an acquired taste thing?

MOM: its really good

DAD: 👍

3DR: do you have pineapple or do you need some

DAD: could you get some???

JJ: pineapple and tajin... ok we will

MOM: good luck

Emily: im the one going into the store why do i need luck??

MOM: emily, I've been shopping with you before...

Emily: oh

Baby Girl: if em takes longer than 10 minutes ill go rescue her 

Emily: I don't need rescuing!!!

MOM: emily... yes you would

Baby Girl: emily please... yes you would.

Emily: none of you have faith in me.

DAD: if you dont end up need rescuing ill give you 20 dollars.

Emily: deal.

MOM: if I new your compliance could be bought id started paying you ages ago

Emily: if you let me pick your outfit for work ill listen for a whole month

MOM: a whole month huh?

Emily: god as my witness 

MOM: we'll see.

❤MORGAN❤: you gotta make him look like a g

Emily: for real

JJ: I thought bribery was a crime??

MOM: only in cases of criminal intent.

❤MORGAN❤: or if its used to avoid jail time

Emily: this is familial business my dear.

MOM: ya no crime involved.

\---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tajin is a really good spice. Its amazing on pineapple and mango. 
> 
> Also the pineapple thing is also a miner innuendo but im not explaining it. 
> 
> Anyway I love you all, stay hydrated. Remember your meds and you should probably have a snack if you haven't eaten yet ❤❤❤❤❤


	18. A merry Christmas, the definition of a "bottom", and a concussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3DR = very worried about his family   
> ❤MORGAN❤ = loves his baby Girl   
> Baby Girl = an angel of epic proportions  
> Emily = a certified top  
> JJ = power bottom  
> DAD = is waiting for everyone to figure out him and hotch  
> MOM = is loving all the sneaky stuff
> 
> Listen, Christmas didn't feel christmasy this year so forgive the lack of festivity. But I love you all so here you go. 
> 
> (If any of you guys don't celebrate Christmas then a lazy Friday to you all ❤]

Traumatized Badasses 

5:48 pm

\---

3DR: so were working through christmas???

MOM: yes but we get new years off

JJ: does that mean that next year we get Christmas off??

DAD: yes it does

Emily: I bet we end up in Florida

MOM: shut the fuck Emily

Baby Girl: KNOCK ON WOOD

❤MORGAN❤: istfg if we do im going to stab you

JJ: shall we attempt some festivity?  
JJ: have yourself a marry little Christmas 

MOM: let your heart be light

Emily: from now on our trouble will be  
Emily: out of sight

Baby Girl: have yourself a marry little Christmas 

DAD: make the yule tide gay

❤MORGAN❤: from now on our troubles will be   
❤MORGAN❤: miiiles awayy 

3DR: here we are as in olden days  
3DR: happy golden days  
3DR: of yore 

MOM: loving friends who are  
MOM: dear to us  
MOM: gather near to us  
MOM: once more

Emily: through the years   
Emily: we all will be together 

Baby Girl: if the faaaates allow 

❤MORGAN❤: hang a shining star upon the highest bough

JJ: and have yourself  
JJ: a marry little Christmas now

Emily: jensen ackles version of this song is the best

MOM: definitely 

3DR: i don think I've ever heard it

DAD: you need to

MOM: its amazing  
MOM: honestly just listen to any of the cast sing its... just wow

Emily: mom has a mild crush on the entire cast of spn.

JJ: who doesnt?

Baby Girl: anyone who hasn't watched spn

MOM: tbh im a tiny bit afraid of Jared Padalecki....

❤MORGAN❤: wtf why?

MOM: hes like 7 feet tall and the only thing I have going for me is I can run

Emily: Jared Padalecki is a gentle king and you have nothing to fear

MOM: but if im taller than everyone in the room then im safe

Baby Girl: that sounds like a trauma response to me

MOM: yay childhood trauma 🤙

DAD: and to a lesser extent... work related trauma

Emily: arent we a festive bunch of neuro typical people 🙄

MOM: lol what trauma 😅

❤MORGAN❤: soul crushing mental illness due to specific and powerful trauma??  
❤MORGAN❤: I don't know her.

JJ: sensitive triggers that leave you paralyzed in mortal dread?  
JJ: never heard of it

DAD: inability to look yourself in the mirror because of the heavy shame of existence?  
DAD: not me of course

MOM: the deep stomach ache from silently crying yourself into a panic attack in the latest hours of the night so you don't wake anyone up?? You have me confused with someone else...

Baby Girl: this got dark...  
Baby Girl: SANTA BABY  
Baby Girl: JUST SLIP A SABLE UNDER THE TREE FOR ME

MOM: been an awful good girl 

❤MORGAN❤: Santa baby   
❤MORGAN❤: and hurry down the chimney tonight

Emily: Santa baby  
Emily: a '54 convertible too  
Emily: light blue

JJ: ill wait up for you dear 

3DR: Santa baby  
3DR: and hurry down the chimney tonight

Baby Girl: think of all the fun I've missed

MOM: think of all the fellas that I havent kissed

Emily: next year i could be just as good

❤MORGAN❤: if you'll check off my Christmas list 

DAD: Santa baby, I want a yacht and really thats not   
DAD: a lot

Baby Girl: been an angel all year

❤MORGAN❤: Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

MOM: Santa honey  
MOM: there's one little thing I really need  
MOM: the deed  
MOM: to a platinum mine 

JJ: Santa cutie   
JJ: hurry down the chimney tonight 

Emily: Santa honey 

DAD: and fill my stocking with a duplex  
DAD: and checks

Baby Girl: sign your x on the line

JJ: I don't remember the rest of the lines

MOM: me neither....

DAD: if we don't end up on a case we should go get drunk and to Christmas karaoke 

❤MORGAN❤: but that involves other people

DAD: we could do it at my house 

Emily: yay dads house

MOM: we can't get super drunk.   
MOM: we are the ones working.

Baby Girl: unfortunate.

Emily: we can get a little tipsy and coast on that until everyone crashes??

MOM: we could.

Emily: itd be a great idea

3DR: we could sing disney songs

❤MORGAN❤: and Christmas songs

Baby Girl: ILL BRING MISTLETOE 

DAD: you could also not

Baby Girl: butbi should

JJ: guys

Emily: itd be a great idea

MOM: I know hot to make hot teddies.

JJ: guys

❤MORGAN❤: what's a hot toddie??

MOM: its hot water, lemon juice, honey, and whiskey.   
MOM: its really good

❤MORGAN❤: isn't that a drink for when your sick??

MOM: nobody said you had to be sick to have that drink

DAD: its just good for being sick.  
DAD: thats not its sole purpose...

JJ: GUYS!!!!

Emily: what!

JJ: we have a case.

3DR: fuuuuuuuuuu 

MOM: where?

JJ: 😬

❤MORGAN❤: nooo.....

Emily: oh god....

MOM: its Florida isn't it....

JJ: ya.....

MOM: emily, how could you jinx us...

Emily: IM SORRY!!!!!!

DAD: well, I hope everyone's got proper clothes

MOM: were fucked...

❤MORGAN❤: emily you've damned us all

Baby Girl: is it actually a bad one???

JJ:......  
JJ: ya.....

Emily: 😔

\----

8:17 pm

\------

Baby Girl: have you guys landed yet??  
Baby Girl: I have more info.

MOM: call morgan or Emily, im driving and so is dave

Baby Girl: OK

\----

11:07 pm

\---

MOM: Penelope, do you have our sleeping arrangements???

Baby Girl: I do

3DR: are we rooming together again??

Baby Girl: yep

DAD: how'd Evans get convinced to let it happen??

MOM: good behavior 

Emily: good behavior???

MOM: I pleaded our case  
MOM: it saves the bureau money  
MOM: we can work in pairs on the case  
MOM: I told him my secret recipe for iced coffee as a sign of good faith.

DAD: again with the bribery

MOM: its not bribery if it works in everyone's favor.

❤MORGAN❤: no mom its bribery.

MOM: nobody asked you darek.

❤MORGAN❤: you where a lawyer....  
❤MORGAN❤: arent you above those kind of dealings?.... 

MOM: there isn't much im above of.

Emily: mom are you saying you aren't getting laid or that you're a bottom

MOM: ill never tell.

DAD: bottom

❤MORGAN❤: bottom

JJ: bottom

Baby Girl: bottom

Emily: bottom

3DR: a what now??

❤MORGAN❤: this is gonna end up like the anal thing isn't it...

Emily: yep.

❤MORGAN❤: ugh 🙄  
❤MORGAN❤: a pillow biter?

JJ: taking a pistol?

DAD: riding the rogue rocket?

MOM: catching the pitch?

3DR: why must you all be like this

Emily: saying your hail marys 

MOM: practicing for your exam?

3DR: I highly doubt what you guys are talking about involves studying.

❤MORGAN❤: receiving?

MOM: pounding the pillow princess??

3DR: that would be cute if I didn't know it was a sexual thing

Baby Girl: a power bottom

DAD: the corner pocket

MOM: this is getting tedious 

❤MORGAN❤: agreed 

3DR: can i know what you guys are talking about now???

MOM: spence, my sweet summer child   
MOM: a bottom is someone who strictly receives anal sex. 

Emily: the one who takes it up the ass

JJ: the bottom is generally only a bottom, if not then its called being a switch

Emily: or a top.

3DR: why is this relevant information..

MOM: idk

❤MORGAN❤: for reasons 

DAD: we all need sleep if we want to salve this case quickly 

3DR: right

Baby Girl: goodnight my pretties 

\-----

07:43 am

\----

JJ: I've got the coffee and ill be at the precinct soon.

MOM: ok, when you get here were gonna go through a few theories and then you and emily are going to the 2nd crime scene.

3DR: and me?

MOM: you and I are gonna do the geographic profile and victemology 

3DR: ok

DAD: myself?

MOM: with Morgan for the m.e and the 1st crime scene 

❤MORGAN❤: has there been a 3rd yet?

MOM: not yet. 

Baby Girl: I've got the background on the victims. 

JJ: well were all here now, please call. 

Baby Girl: 🤙

\---

3:48 pm

\----

❤MORGAN❤: are we sure our unsub is gonna be there tomorrow?

MOM: as sure as we can be

3DR: tomorrow is going to go bad...  
3DR: isn't it?

DAD: maybe not

Emily: bad things happen on Christmas in Florida tho..

MOM: it'll be ok  
MOM: ill make sure everyone comes home

DAD: we won't let anything bad happen

3DR: thats a pretty impossible promise 

❤MORGAN❤: ya but it still feels good to hear

Emily: well be ok spence

3DR: but the profile says he'd chose sbc...

MOM: I know spence, but we gotta focus on the victems and justice 

3DR: ok

MOM: try to sleep spence

3DR: ill try.....

DAD: goodnight spence

\---

9:51 pm

\----

Baby Girl: any news on hotch??

DAD: ya it's just a slight concussion and a dislocated shoulder.

❤MORGAN❤: the doctors said his concussion should be all healed in less than two weeks

Baby Girl: good  
Baby Girl: and the bleeding??

Emily: a graze.

3DR: I told you guys something would go wrong.

DAD: spence, hes ok. Were flying home tonight and we can all stay at my house

JJ: all of us?

DAD: everyone that wants to.

Emily: im in

❤MORGAN❤: ill be heading to the jet with hotch soon

Baby Girl: is he ok???

❤MORGAN❤: they gave him the good stuff  
❤MORGAN❤: oohh I should let him have his phone

DAD: you should

Baby Girl: but what if it embarrasses him???

DAD: hell be ok

Emily: if anything at least its cute when he blushes

JJ: RIGHT!

Baby Girl: him pretty

3DR: yes mom is a classically attractive male.

❤MORGAN❤: I bet if he dressed like a greaser nobody would be immune 

DAD: he'd have to stop covering his drawl to make it work  
DAD: FUCK EMILY DELET THIS MESSAGE!!!

Emily: lol no

Baby Girl: 👁👄👁

JJ: 👀🥵

❤MORGAN❤: wow  
❤MORGAN❤: mom is...  
❤MORGAN❤: well he's a real gentleman because any lesser man would definitely use that to their advantage..

Emily: I've said it before.  
Emily: mom is a god among men.

DAD: truly 

3DR: give mom his phone   
3DR: I need uplifted spirits 

MOM: HELLLOOOO MY BABBS   
MOM: MY ARM DOENT FELL HUT AT AL  
MOM: MI BAD  
MOM: THI S BAS ENHLISH 

Emily: mom how are you feeling???

MOM: im dabylous   
MOM: thas nit rite

JJ: hows your head??

MOM: foggy amd mazaing 

DAD: you know you're going to have to sleep on the jet right??

MOM: DAAAVVVEEE!!!!  
MOM: Ys. Thas fin  
MOM: film  
MOM: f I n e 

DAD: do you want a blanket??

MOM: 🥺 plz...

Emily: I've got one ready for you mom

MOM: I amost wanna cry when u gys call me mom

JJ: aaawwww 🥺

Baby Girl: so you guys are getting right on the jet??

❤MORGAN❤: yup  
❤MORGAN❤: as soon as hotch and I get there were leaving 

Baby Girl: yay!!!

MOM: I wll pribabky ned hekp   
MOM: help

DAD: ill help you into the plane aaron

MOM: yssy   
MOM: yaay

Baby Girl: text me when you guys are on your way

\-----

4:52 pm

\----

❤MORGAN❤: [image attached]

Emily: [image attached]

DAD: [image attached]

Baby Girl: aaawwwww  
Baby Girl: hes adorable when hes sleeping

3DR: he wouldn't fall asleep because he kept asking where everyone was

JJ: we just ended up all sitting on the couch in front of him

DAD: it happens a lot to him  
DAD: he worries about you guys all the time

Baby Girl: hes such a worry wort 🥺

DAD: he is

3DR: GUYS

❤MORGAN❤: ITS STILL CHRISTMAS

DAD: merry Christmas guys 

Baby Girl: what time do you think you'll all be home?

Emily: less than an hour

Baby Girl: thats a shorter trip than usual...

Emily: the pilot wants to get home asap

Baby Girl: is Carl the pilot today???

Emily: ya

Baby Girl: tell him merry Christmas for me

Emily: he says thank you

JJ: you just know everyone dont you.

Baby Girl: I try

DAD: we appreciate your efforts 

Emily: so what the plan when we get home??

DAD: puck up the kids and then have a late dinner.   
DAD: maybe some presents..

❤MORGAN❤: im gonna have to run home to get mine

Baby Girl: i already went to your house darek

❤MORGAN❤: thanks bb 

Baby Girl: 😘

Emily: ill go to jj and is to get our presents 

JJ: I can pick up Henry and jack

DAD: jack is spending the night with Jess and her family, ill just text her and have her drop jack off here in the morning 

JJ: sounds good

Emily: so well all part ways to take care of some things and then meet at your house dave??

DAD: sure

3DR: it won't take me very long, I actually brought my car to work before we left lol  
3DR: could I pick anything up?

DAD: no spence im good

❤MORGAN❤: since Pen has everything already, do you need help with mom??

DAD: I do, thanks

❤MORGAN❤: 🤙

\-----

12:31 am

\------

DAD: does everyone have enough blankets???

Emily: were good dad

❤MORGAN❤: ya were fine, just get some sleep

3DR: I could use an extra blanket, Henry stole all mine

JJ: thanks for letting Henry sleep with you spence 

3DR: I thrive on being his favorite.   
3DR: so its no problem 

JJ: 🥰❤

Baby Girl: is mom still sleeping??

DAD: yes he is

Baby Girl: then you should sleep.   
Baby Girl: were all good

❤MORGAN❤: goodnight guys ❤

Emily: sleep well yall 💋

JJ: merry Christmas ❤💋💋🎄

3DR: good night guys 🧡

DAD: goodnight kids 🖤

\------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is doing well, I love you all. 
> 
> OMG
> 
> Guys I had my fiance read this (he doesn't read or even like fanfiction) and he liked it!!!!!! He thought it read like a real group chat!!!!!!!!! Yay me right?
> 
> Remember to take your meds and have a snack and stay hydrated!!!!!!!   
> I LOVE YOU ALL ❤❤❤❤❤


	19. Conspiracy, Taylor swift, and hotch finally loosing a bet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3DR = is gonna adopt cats soon  
> Emily = gift giving love language   
> JJ = quality time??? Maybe.  
> Baby Girl = is my love language/ the love of my life  
> ❤MORGAN❤ = wants to make pretty babies with his baby girl  
> DAD = physically affectionate   
> MOM = touch starved 
> 
> Enjoy❤

Traumatized Badasses 

2:49 pm

\------

3DR: conspiracy theories are stupid.  
3DR: completely illogical 

Baby Girl: they don't have to make sense to be fun.

MOM: some of them are actually illogical, like flat earth.

DAD: one thats fun is the reason there's water on Mars is because it used to be our home planet and we fucked it up. 

❤MORGAN❤: lizard human overlords 

Emily: Michelle Obama's glorious adams-apple

MOM: all of the aliens at area 51

DAD: you just want aliens to be real aaron.

MOM: if aliens are real then there's hope.  
MOM: I also have a shit load of questions 

Emily: did they actually make the pyramids??

MOM: how do they reproduce?

Emily: do they like hugs?

MOM: do they think we're cute like how we think our pets are cute??

Emily: can they read minds??

MOM: do they appear human ish or do they look like monsters??

Emily: do they have the ability to control minds????

MOM: whats their diet like??  
MOM: do they have a home planet?

Emily: do they fly around in space ships??

MOM: have they flown through a black hole???

Emily: do they lay eggs

MOM: what are their weddings like??

Emily: do they even have weddings??

3DR: why are you guys so obsessed with aliens...

Emily: because its aliens

MOM: aliens mean we aren't alone. 

Emily: aliens mean there's more fish in the sea.

❤MORGAN❤: wtf em....

Emily: what

MOM: tbh I'd totally sleep with an alien

❤MORGAN❤: WHY?!?!??!

MOM: science.

3DR: thats not a good answer

DAD: so how about the jfk assassination....

Emily: inside job.

MOM: u.s did it. Framed some poor schmuck.

Baby Girl: whats your favorite conspiracy theory dad???

DAD: I don't willingly seek out knowledge of conspiracies. 

Emily: thats lame.

DAD: so???

JJ: okay so this is cool and all but like  
JJ: have you guys listened to no body no crime???

Emily: I love you but please  
Emily: shut up right now.

JJ: why....

MOM: because you're talking about Taylor swifts new album and thats gonna make me listen to it again and then im gonna start crying again

Emily: mom its ok

MOM: its ok but im not 🤗

Baby Girl: so how about how new years is tomorrow 

MOM: thank god

❤MORGAN❤: finally 

DAD: I saw a meme thats said everyone needs to yell jumangi so we can leave this hell hole year....  
DAD: we should

MOM: maybe not yell it but sure

JJ: or we could do a watch party for jumanji and call it good

❤MORGAN❤: OR! Or... just spit ballin here... we just get shit faced and try to convince ourselves that this whole year was a liquor induced hallucination...

Emily: we can do both???

3DR: so were going to ignore moms obsession with aliens and teen music??

MOM: well thats how I deal with everything that effects me so.....  
MOM: ya 

Emily: we casually talk about it once then never mention it again.  
Emily: like functional adults

3DR: thats the opposite of functional but whatever

MOM: your logic isn't needed rn spence

3DR: mother please   
3DR: seek professional help

MOM: no❤

JJ: but sometimes it helps to talk it out with a professional  
JJ: someone that isn't connected to you in any way

MOM: jj, my child  
MOM: my adultiest kid  
MOM: the one that gave me grandbabies  
MOM: WE 👏 ARE 👏 PROFILERS 👏👏

❤MORGAN❤: how many cases have we done where the unsub was a therapist 

Emily: three that come to mind.   
Emily: two of which really liked hotch

MOM: yaaaa......

3DR: the family annihilater and who???

Emily: remember that phobia guy???

MOM: so how about that weather....

DAD: its ok aaron, everyone's had an unsub be obsessed with them at one point or another.

Baby Girl: lol viper

Emily: SHUT UP OMG

❤MORGAN❤: 😂😂  
❤MORGAN❤: poor Emily 

MOM: honestly I felt embarrassed for you em

Emily: he was so creepy

JJ: uuuh 

Emily: you where on maternity leave babe

JJ: oh him!   
JJ: the dating class guy

MOM: lol ya 

Emily: I hope he decided to start drink his respect woman juice

MOM: doubtful...  
MOM: but one can hope

❤MORGAN❤: lol right   
❤MORGAN❤: so pen when are you gonna change my name

Baby Girl: soon.   
Baby Girl: very soon

Emily: so have you two started boning yet?

MOM: emily shut up

Baby Girl: 🥺

❤MORGAN❤: 😔  
❤MORGAN❤: fine we've been dating for three months 

Baby Girl: THATS MY MANS   
Baby Girl: MY HUNKY HONEY  
Baby Girl: MY SWEET ABS KING  
Baby Girl: MY YUMMY HONEY-BOO

DAD: YAY!!!!! 

MOM: goddammit Emily   
MOM: couldn't you keep your trap shut

❤MORGAN❤: excuse me...

Baby Girl: 🥺

MOM: I lost the damn bet  
MOM: now i have to get drunk with dave   
MOM: 😔

Baby Girl: you bet on us???

DAD: we've had this bet since I first got on the team

MOM: I even had a bet going with gideon before he left

DAD: I was technically wrong as well so im buying aaron coffee for a week and hes getting drunk with me  
DAD: ill call it a win

MOM: I was so sure that pen was gonna tell everyone

Baby Girl: 😂😂

❤MORGAN❤: so what? Dave said I'd spill the beans??

DAD: no I thought we'd catch you guys getting it on in pens office 

❤MORGAN❤: yall almost did a few times

MOM: IN THE OFFICE????  
MOM: jfc at least use a supply closet   
MOM: Jesus

Baby Girl: but I have my own office  
Baby Girl: and so does darek

DAD: put a sock on the door or something jesus

MOM: a sock is too obvious. Use a sticky note with a smiley face on it or something 

Baby Girl: im gonna draw my special rabbit 

Emily: the one that's drawn with a peeen first???

Baby Girl: thats the one

MOM:👌 

❤MORGAN❤: mom are you saying we can get it on at work??

MOM: I have no idea what you're talking about. 

DAD: your breaks are your time. 

MOM: just be responsible   
MOM: use protection 

DAD: what you don't want more grandbabies???

❤MORGAN❤: I doubt that were ready for kids

Baby Girl: ya no kids yet

MOM: yay

3DR: but.. id be an uncle again....

Emily: and id have more kids to spoil 🥺

MOM: you have enough people to spol Emily

Emily: never

Baby Girl: you could just spoil me or jj 

❤MORGAN❤: but I spoil you 🥺

Baby Girl: you do 😘

DAD: aaww how cute

MOM: don't pick on our children 

DAD: who me?😱  
DAD: I would never 🤐

MOM: jackass 

Baby Girl: ya know...  
Baby Girl: I think you guys deserve grandchildren   
Baby Girl: cause then maybe yall will stop being so pissy 

DAD: im not pissy 

MOM: okay Pinocchio 

❤MORGAN❤: 😂😂😂

\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I read Fahrenheit 451 and im not ok, I dont know how I feel specifically but I know I'm not ok.
> 
> Anyway... im posting the drinking night chapters (there's 3 btw) on my birthday... yay me
> 
> Stay hydrated and know that I love you ❤❤❤


	20. A direct call-out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOM = a man most acquainted with misery  
> DAD = miserable mans worried husband   
> Emily = antagonized the situation   
> JJ = just doesn't know   
> 3DR = is introduced to existential shitposts and is now thriving   
> ❤MORGAN❤ = is seeking help for his trauma, like a king.  
> Baby Girl = just wants her family to be ok
> 
> Hey guys, this chapter is..... well... read with caution because of casual talk of mental health issues

Traumatized Badasses 

7:27 pm

\------

Baby Girl: I can't afford to order dinner because yesterday I bought too many bras in a manic break

MOM: oh no!  
MOM: anyway 

Baby Girl: did you just cashapp me 50 dollars....

MOM: ya

Baby Girl: you're an angel 

MOM: manic breaks suck  
MOM: like when you cut your hair so you can feel like a new person

Emily: or when you finally shower after a week of depressed executive disfunction?

MOM: exactly.

3DR: finally doing your dishes and feeling like a king

❤MORGAN❤: your therapist seeing through your decoy problem and starts reading your mind

MOM: sitting on your couch after you cleaned the house because you didn't realize how dirty your depressive episodes get

JJ: when you cut vegetables and don't have intrusive thoughts for once

Emily: shaving your legs and washing your sheets in the same day so you can just lay in bed and feel the softness covercome you

Baby Girl: when you suddenly remember that human contact helps with depression and you gotta get hugs like you're buying coke

MOM: when your touch starved mind needs hugs but also physical touch makes you nauseous

❤MORGAN❤: when you call your mom and she asks how you're doing and you have to sit down before you can start sobbing

MOM: when you take a cold shower while still wearing work clothes because maybe if you can feel cold you'll be able to feel emotions 

Baby Girl: when you're overwhelmed and you're busy so when you walk by a door and your shirt catches on the handle it immediately makes you want to break down sobbing

3DR: the slow slip into darkness as you stop participating in things you enjoy and let the big sad claim you

MOM: purposely listening to viciously painful/sad music to justify your Swiss cheese emotions

❤MORGAN❤: sitting on your couch and ignoring the growing list of household chores in favor of dwelling in the pit of hopelessness that's slowly absorbing your mental capacity 

Emily: feeling so emotionally raw and exposed that when you get a hug, you flinch at the first brush of another's touch like your skin is as burnt and flayed as your soul

Baby Girl: buying a washer and dryer, convincing yourself you'll do laundry, only to go to the laundry mat and doing 5 loads at once

3DR: or restarting the same load of laundry over and over for weeks because you can't scrape together the mental strength to transfer them to the dryer

JJ: finally going clothes shopping but when you touch most of the fabrics you wanna puke because the textures feel horrible and make you super uncomfortable 

MOM: making coffee and you have to tell yourself the steps to make it and you feel useless 

❤MORGAN❤: reading about a serial killer and their childhood and feeling intense existential terror because you experienced similar things

Emily: when you haven't done one of your hobbies in a while and when you start again you suck a little and you feel awful 

Baby Girl: we need therapy 

MOM: ya but oh well

Emily: why get therapy when you can fake-function as an adult

❤MORGAN❤: I see a therapist 

DAD: good for you 

Emily: ah, father finally shows up

DAD: I've been reading the texts and worrying 

Baby Girl: aw dads worrying 🥰

3DR: well we are probably not ok so he's right to worry

MOM: worry is over rated

DAD: ill worry as much as I want thank you very fucking much Aaron

MOM: worry will be the dirt that covers your grave 

❤MORGAN❤: damn..... 

Emily: shit dude

MOM: 😎

JJ: where to did you come up with that...

MOM: the deepest reaches of my mental abilities 

Baby Girl: any other vaguely unsettling words of wisdom 

MOM: do you have a prompt....

3DR: I'm stressed, depressed, and haven't gotten dressed.

MOM: your two extremes will crush you

JJ: idle it just doesn't hit right

Emily: ya that one didn't vibe well....

MOM: may your vibe leave you cold and empty 

Baby Girl: so how's everyones night going?

❤MORGAN❤: nah I'm down for moms shitpost texts rn

Baby Girl: but they're so unsettling 

MOM: absurdity is the only spice left in life.

❤MORGAN❤: wow

DAD: you all need help

MOM: when help isn't given to the child it is feared by the adult

3DR: ok thats  
3DR: oh Jesus  
3DR: I don't know where to begin

JJ: profound 

Baby Girl: on the nose

DAD: a direct attack

❤MORGAN❤: a call-out.

MOM: anyone else?

Emily: I have a jacket that has patches on it. On the back is a patch that's falling off and on top of that one is one thats flipping everyone off, but people only notice the one thats falling off...

MOM: destruction draws the eye. 

JJ: mothers words have left me changed and raw....

MOM: as intended.

❤MORGAN❤: I think that's enough psychological warfare for one night......

DAD: I would pay good money to know what goes on in your head Aaron

MOM: as would I

Emily: therapy is good money....

MOM: as are weighted blankets

DAD: weighted blankets aren't therapy Aaron

MOM: perhaps not.   
MOM: yet its better to lay under the weight of comfort than the weight of consciousness 

Baby Girl: please stop

MOM: to stop is to be human and to be human is to fail

Emily: to be human is to be flawed 

❤MORGAN❤: to be human is to know when to seek help

MOM: help is for the strong, yet the damaged psyche is frail

DAD: Aaron are you ok???

MOM: in the Webster definition or one you find on urban dictionary???

DAD: so were gonna take that as a no

Emily: are any of us ok?

❤MORGAN❤: not in a sense that would pass a mental health test. 

Baby Girl: seriously mom are you ok

MOM: you know that feeling of when you need to cry but you can't  
MOM: kind of like when there's a gas bubble stuck in your tummy and it hurts and you know farting will clear that up but you just can't.  
MOM: like there's something blocking you from getting rid of the stomach ache   
MOM: and you've tried so many things to get your stomach to stop hurting but nothing has worked   
MOM: then you find something that everyone else says will work  
MOM: and its something that scares you from the marrow of your bones to the person that stares back at you in the mirror  
MOM: therapy is the thing that'll help me cry.  
MOM: but its scary

❤MORGAN❤: why is it scary mom??

MOM: to be known is to be seen and to be seen is to be undone. 

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my mom and my aunt helped me with this. The things mentioned is a lot of what we deal with in our lives so thats pretty fun..... 
> 
> The thing about emilys jacket... my ex had a jacket with those exact patches on the back and he was confused as to why people only noticed the messed up patch and I told him that destruction draws the eye. I was very impressed with my self. By my choice of words not my choice in romantic partner. He did not spark joy. 
> 
> Also the whole bit about Hotch not being able to cry and comparing it to a stomach ache is the way I describe my inability to cry even tho I know it'll improve my mental health a lot. 
> 
> Anyway........ I love you all!!! Stay hydrated!!!!! Eat the rich!!!! And stay Hella gay!!!!!


	21. Not a chapter (sorry)

Heeeeey....... how are yall doing? 

So, I know that its been almost a month without anything new. I'm sorry, first it was that I lost all ideas and now it's cause of the big drinking chapters where everyone finds out hotch and Rossi are dating. 

The big drinking night is now a three part thing. I have part one finished, I'm almost done of part three, and part two is where I'm having issues. But its ok!!!!! I have until February 17th to finish the chapters. I chose Feb. 17th cause that's my bday (im gonna be 21) and I wanted to treat myself lol.

Now here's my main point. I need some help.   
I need some ideas for the drinking night chapters. If you have any ideas then please leave them in the comments or come bug me on Tumblr (@whoreforthebauteam) 

Please keep in mind, the only characters directly involved in the drinking night are Emily, jj, Penelope, and aaron. Everyone else is "busy" for the sake of easy writing lol

Anyway... thank you!!!! I love you all!!!! Stay hydrated and stay proud 😘😘😘


	22. Makeup, disney movies, and shenaningans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOM = a sweet sweet boi  
> DAD = a concerned husband  
> Emily = a very powerful, mildly dumb, lesbian  
> JJ = the dumb lesbians worried wife  
> 3DR = he just lives in modern confusion, be gentle with him  
> Baby Girl = is going to rule the world eventually and thats valid  
> <3 MORGAN <3 = i wrote this on my laptop so I can't use emojis lol sorry 
> 
> HELLO HOW ARE YOU ALL?!?!?!?!?! ITS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DONT FEEL VERY OLD BUT THATS OK!!!
> 
> This chapter is 2,342 words and took me almost six months. Fuck.

\------

Traumatized Badasses 

2:26 pm

\-------

Baby Girl: So.  
Baby Girl: its our weekend  
Baby Girl: were all adults  
Baby Girl: maybe not mature adults  
Baby Girl: but adults none the less  
Baby Girl: we have money  
Baby Girl: and I have the uber app.  
Baby Girl: so who wants to go drinking with me??

JJ: FUCK YES!!!  
JJ: what time?

3DR: i can't, sorry 😞😞

Emily: lets exercise our livers bitches

❤MORGAN❤: id love to but spencer and I are watching Dr Who tonight

3DR: He's never watched it and im fixing that mistake. 

JJ: a solid plan

MOM: you've never watched Dr who???   
MOM: lame  
MOM: also count me in, jack left this morning for a week (2 week??) long camp thing with school so I'm free

Emily: mom drinking?? With us???   
Emily: THE GODS HAVE GIFTED US AN OPPORTUNITY TO BOND AND GROW 🙏🙏🙏

DAD: I can't, my editor is a controll freak and needs my attention  
DAD: sorry.

MOM: lame.

3DR: Emily..... thats not how you exercise your liver....

Emily: get out of here with your logic

Baby Girl: so, girls night + hotch???   
Baby Girl: fabulous   
Baby Girl: now everyone needs to tell me what they're wearing for it.

JJ: you know that one dark green shirt I have???  
JJ: and my black jeans with some flats probably 

Emily: im going with an lbd and some heels

Baby Girl: Wonderful!!! Come to my house for make up and hype music

MOM: i need to plan an outfit??

❤MORGAN❤: a feminine ritual?

Baby Girl: yes.   
Baby Girl: you must.

JJ: its a long story but its tradition.

Emily: we have to look so good other people will look at us and barf.

MOM: is that an Inside Out reference????

Emily: you....know.....that..... movie?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

MOM: i have a small son, I know all Disney Pixar movies.

JJ: ya it comes with parenting.  
JJ: also knowing all Disney songs by heart 

❤MORGAN❤: like the ones from jungle book.  
❤MORGAN❤: I wanna be like you. 10/10 best song ever

MOM: if Jack asks me to sing Let it Go for him one more time I might explode.

JJ: When Henry had his Mulan phase I sang make a man out of you like 5 times a day

Emily: i just do that for fun, I love disney.

DAD: you don't love disney.  
DAD: you just haven't been happy since you where a kid.

3DR: ouch....

❤MORGAN❤: okay, yes....  
❤MORGAN❤: but also.....  
❤MORGAN❤: Hotch wear a speedo and heals challenge 

3DR: 😱😂

MOM: i can't pull off a speedo.

Emily: what about them heels tho....

MOM: those I can do. 

Baby Girl: excuse me  
Baby Girl: whAT??

JJ: OK, explain???

MOM: in college and four of my friends bet me 500 dollars each to go drag for a week.   
MOM: it was an easy 2 grand.

DAD: 😂😂😂😂

Baby Girl: OK NEW PLAN!!!! EVERYONE IS GOING TO HOTCHS HOUSE AND WERE GETTING THE FULL STORY

JJ: AND DEMONSTRATION 

Emily: HOTCH DID DRAG!! MY LIFE IS A LIE AND MY WORLD VIEW IS RUINED

MOM: seriously....  
MOM: i don't see why its a big deal

Baby Girl: DID YOU DO FULL MAKEUP?!?!?!

JJ: LET ME FIND MY OUTFIT AND IM ON MY WAY  
JJ: EMILY FIND YOUR OUTFIT  
JJ: PENELOPE WE'RE PICKING YOU UP  
JJ: WE NEED ANSWERS MOM!!!!

MOM: i don't know why you need to come to my house but ok...

DAD: is anyone going to believe you if the story isn't told face to face???

MOM: don't help them dave

DAD: too late.

MOM: 🙄

Baby Girl: and now mom uses emojis?!?!?!?!?  
Baby Girl: what is this life....

MOM: i use emojis a lot actually…  
MOM: are you just now noticing?

Baby Girl: its even better that you use emojis with us now knowing that you did drag 

MOM: ooookay then

Jr.G-Man: well, everyone has lives outside of work. And even though we do see each other nearly every day it makes sense that there would be stories or personality traits that we wouldn't know about each other.

Emily: you don't get a say spence, you won't even drink with us.

❤MORGAN❤: how about we do shots?? Or like... text us when and we'll drink a beer or something with you guys.

DAD: I will be drinking as well, only way ill get through this meeting

Baby Girl: we need proof

Emily: picture proof???

MOM: how about we do a quick video chat, everyone does a shot, and then we go back to our own plans?

Baby Girl: moms back at it with that superior problem solving 🙏🙏

JJ: fabulous. Em and I are leaving the house now so you better be ready to go to moms.

Emily: im ready. Do I need to bring makeup?

Baby Girl: ALL READY!!!!!   
Baby Girl: i have makeup for everyone.

MOM: see you guys soon

~~~~~~~~~~~~

4:03 pm

\-------------

Baby Girl: yall..... this bitch was wild in college....

MOM: i have a name. 

Emily: shut up stripper.

3DR: excuse me??

❤MORGAN❤: did you say stripper????

DAD: … why did you tell them that story???

MOM: they found my college photo album 😔

DAD: 😂😂😂  
DAD: this is wonderful

JJ: is there more than one story?????

Emily: MOM! EXPLAIN!!

MOM: no. 

Baby Girl: laaammmeeee

MOM: why are we texting rn?? Arent we supposed to be getting ready?

DAD: you let the girls find out you used to strip, thats obviously more important.

MOM: it was a favor for a friend, its not a big deal.   
MOM: it was only the one time anyway...

Emily: tell us the full story jackass.

MOM: dave, your child just called me a jackass.

DAD: oh so theyre my kids when they're being shits but yours when they're being good?  
DAD: thats not fair aaron.

MOM: well they probably get it from you so....  
MOM: yes. It is fair.

DAD: im going to tell everyone about the San Francisco case aaron

MOM: and im going to hurt you.

DAD: you don't have the guts

MOM: wanna bet?

DAD: its not cool to lie aaron.  
DAD: it wasnt "just that one time"

MOM: i want a divorce 

JJ: OMG STOP ARGUING!!!!

MOM: we aren't arguing

DAD: so, the San Francisco case, there was a guy killing male strippers. There where about 3 bodies by the time we got called in and aaron was the only one that fit the victemology, so. Aaron went undercover as a stripper as a trap.  
DAD: the real crime is nobody took pictures 

MOM: i hate you dave.

DAD: you do not

Baby Girl: nobody took pictures????  
Baby Girl: im disappointed..

JJ: did you have a slutty stripper name?!?!?!?!

MOM: no.

DAD: yes.

MOM: fuck you dave.

DAD: what was the name aaron??  
DAD: wasn't it "baby boy"??

MOM: i want a divorce and you get the kids.

Baby Girl: can mom keep the girls???

Emily: you get the girls mom

JJ: why can't they share custody????

3DR: you guys do understand that they arent our parents nor are they married? Right?

❤MORGAN❤: theyre a little married

JJ: theyre like an old married couple and we're their illegitimate children. 

MOM: wrong.

DAD: reid and garcia are ours. The rest of you are stowaways.

MOM: 👆👆👆🖕

Baby Girl: 🥰🥰🥰

3DR: 🥺🥰

JJ: seriously....

Emily: WHAT?!?!?!?!

❤MORGAN❤: stowaways.....

MOM: stowaway is a little harsh  
MOM: emily come back

Emily: no.

JJ: please?

DAD: wtf??

MOM: emily just walked out of the room

Emily: im about to go from stowaway to runaway

MOM: thats a little dramatic.

DAD: she gets it from me.

JJ: ya no shit lol

MOM: emily. Don't you need to finish getting ready?

Emily: say im not illegitimate and ill come back.

MOM: fine. You are not illegitimate.

DAD: and we love you very much.

MOM: i read that in the voice of Larry the cucumber.

JJ: same

Emily: same 

Baby Girl: same

❤MORGAN❤: what's everyone's favorite VeggieTales movie?? Mine is The Pirates who Don't Do Anything...

DAD: the super lary movies

MOM: Its a Meaningful Life and Sweetpea Beauty 

JJ: sweetpea beauty

Emily: sweetpea beauty 

3DR: huh?

MOM: when Jack gets home from camp we'll have dinner and introduce you to VeggieTales 

3DR: ok...

Emily: im so disappointed 

MOM: ok, how about this…  
MOM: reid, garcia, and JJ are ours  
MOM: and emily and morgan are inlaws  
MOM: sort of…

Emily: I can live with that

❤MORGAN❤: I can live with that

Baby Girl: ladies.... MAKEUP!!!

Emily: OH YA

JJ: OOPS

MOM: 😆

Baby Girl: mom we still need to find your outfit

MOM: fuck....

JJ: emily get out of moms closet

Emily: but its so spacious...

MOM: I hear if you hang out in the closet long enough you'll start naming the moths. 

DAD: and what are the moths names aaron?

JJ: I once named a moth tobo

MOM: a great name for sure

3DR: Why are you calling out mom??  
3DR: we already had the coming out thing.

MOM: cause I'm pretty fly for a bi guy.   
MOM: also I crave acceptance

Emily: I...  
Emily: wow

Baby Girl: bitch same

JJ: 💙💓💜

3DR: valid

❤MORGAN❤: WAIT!!!!! does that mean hotch is also getting a pride blanket too baby girl?

Baby Girl: oh ya  
Baby Girl: a fucking huge one

MOM: a what now?

Baby Girl: we all have pride blankets so now you're getting one.

MOM: cool  
MOM: I have convers that have the bi flag colors.   
MOM: jess made them for me  
MOM: she said they're paint splatter because I'm a disaster 

DAD: you are

Emily: ya you are

JJ: omg I know what mom can wear....

Baby Girl: do tell.

JJ: I found slim fit/skinny jeans!!!!!!

Baby Girl: 👁👄👁

Emily: yo mom you good?

MOM: FUCK

DAD: what?

Emily: mom just shot up to ran to his room, but he tripped and landed on his face.

❤MORGAN❤: it gonna leave a bruise? 

MOM: im good.

Emily: ooohhh mmmoooommmm 

JJ: whered you go?

3DR: what do you mean? 

Baby Girl: mom disappeared. 

MOM: you'll never find me.

DAD: check the kitchen.

MOM: I don't fit in the kitchen cupboards anymore dumbass.

Baby Girl: FOUND HIM!!!!

3DR: where was he?

Baby Girl: top shelf of the closet. 

❤MORGAN❤: how the fuck?

MOM: ill never tell.

\------

4:53 pm

\------

3DR: is mom still alive??

MOM: im good, why?

JJ: because we're in charge of your outfit.

MOM: aaahhh  
MOM: no im good.   
MOM: im helping Emily curl her hair

❤MORGAN❤: you can curl hair?

MOM: im a man of many talents

Baby Girl: a renaissance man

JJ: im just still shocked you know how

MOM: I helped the theater kids in high school 

Emily: weren't you a theater kid?

MOM: I was in one single play.   
MOM: I sucked   
MOM: the background work for plays is much more fun anyway 

Emily: valid

Baby Girl: the background work is what makes the magic of the theater happen

MOM: exactly 

DAD: have you guys been to Ashland Oregon?  
DAD: they have a Shakespeare festival and it's pretty good

❤MORGAN❤: if everyone else goes ill go

MOM: I'll go, jack was even asking about it

JJ: Henry is old enough to not be a bother to the other play watchers so sure

Emily: fuck ya

Baby Girl: guys  
Baby Girl: WE NEED TO FINISH GETTING READY!

MOM: kill Joy

Baby Girl: I will put lipstick on you. 

MOM: bet.

Baby Girl: red pink or black

❤MORGAN❤: black for the aesthetic?

Emily: red would go better with his skin tone…

JJ: but that pink would look amazing

MOM: how about we don't put makeup on me  
MOM: but ill let you paint my nails

Baby Girl: !!!!!!!!!

Emily: black?

MOM: sure

JJ: pen did you bring nail polish???

Baby Girl: yes. 

MOM: is it black?

Baby Girl: metallic black

MOM: fuck ya

Emily: 🖤

3DR: waaaaaiiiiiittttttt  
3DR: can you guys paint my nails sometime?

Emily: oh ya

MOM: you could go all out and do fake nails

❤MORGAN❤: that'd be a sight lol

3DR: uh  
3DR: ….maybe?

JJ: fuck ya

DAD: guys its almost 5 30. Don't you guys have drinking to do??

Baby Girl: lol ya

MOM: do we want to order food??

Emily: sure

JJ: we could do like….  
JJ: idk tacos?

MOM: or I have snacks and shit here?

Emily: im ordering tacos.

MOM: actually yes  
MOM: 🌮tacos🌮

Baby Girl: fuck ya

DAD: 🙄😔

MOM: 🖕😌

❤MORGAN❤: pen are you ever gonna change my name on here?

Baby Girl: drunk me will know best

Emily: drunk pen is a goddess

JJ: not unlike the everyday pen

❤MORGAN❤: just… more 

DAD; please.   
DAD: im begging you 

DAD: stop blowing up the gc

MOM: no❤

\----

6:30pm

\-----

Emily: so….. we need to actually figure out what time we're leaving for the bar.

JJ: what's a normal time?

Baby Girl: 9?

MOM: thats like…. two and a half hours away…

Emily: do we… watch TV to pass the time?

Baby Girl: sure?

3DR: or you guys could go now?

Emily: no❤

MOM: an average disney movie is an hour and 15 ish minutes. Thatd leave us time to do anything last minute and then leave.

Baby Girl: 🥳 

Emily: yes.  
Emily: but what disney movie???

MOM: inside out?

JJ: coco?

Baby Girl: monsters inc?

Emily: toy story?

MOM: ugh

Baby Girl: we aren't going to agree.. are we?

Emily: probably not….

DAD: how about you guys settle and watch emperors new grove.

MOM: what would we do without you???

DAD: crash and burn.

Emily: valid

\-------

8:23 pm

\--------

MOM: is everyone ready???

Baby Girl: everyone better have their shots ready cause we're leaving soon 

❤MORGAN❤: define soon…

Emily: the uber will be here in 15 minutes and its a 15 minute drive to the bar

JJ: OK so not super soon but like… soon

3DR: what kind of shot??

MOM: liquor. 

3DR: 😱🤮

DAD: you'll live

3DR: but I won't like it

MOM: thats unfortunate. 

\--------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, what'd you think? i love you all. stay tuned for the next two chapters.


	23. Cocktails, cigarettes, and homo-romanticism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MOM = a disaster bi, of epic proportions  
> Emily = feeds off moms chaotic tendencies   
> JJ = has a few brain cells, the majority of the brain cells on the team tbh  
> Baby Girl = the most pure and amazing thing to ever walk this earth  
> 3DR = he cannot handle tequila and thats ok  
> <3MORGAN<3/King[] = hes an amazing man and i love him  
> DAD = hes just worried 
> 
> Again, I wrote this on my laptop and I cant use emojis, please forgive me <3 
> 
> This chapter is 1,971 words. It took me nearly 3 months. Again, fuck.

\-------

Traumatized Badasses 

9:57 pm

\--

Baby Girl: [started a video call]

MOM joined the video call  
DAD joined the video call  
3DR joined the video call  
Emily joined the video call  
JJ joined the video call  
❤MORGAN❤ joined the video call

[Video call ended, 00:31:12]

\--

3DR: darek why tf did you make me take a tequila shot????

MOM: and you didn't even use salt or lime 😔

❤MORGAN❤: go big or go home???

3DR: id rather go home

❤MORGAN❤: but what about dr. Who….

3DR: fiinnnee 

DAD: have you not had tequila before??

3DR: no i have not.

MOM: drink some soda or coffee or something to wash it down.   
MOM: it'll leave a bad taste in your mouth

Baby Girl: have you eaten???  
Baby Girl: if you haven't eaten it might upset your tummy

Emily: even if its just crackers

JJ: salteens will help a lot

Baby Girl: were all the mom friends arent we??

MOM: yes we are.

JJ: it's ok, it works for us

Emily: guys what do we want to start with

Baby Girl: start light end strong???

MOM: why not start strong and end light???

❤MORGAN❤: as the saying goes… beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear.

JJ: excuse me???

MOM: if you start with beer, once hard liquor hits your system you'll get sick. 

3DR: and people drink on purpose??? 

Emily: its a good way to get out of parties. 

JJ: how?....

Emily: drink 3 beers before the event then immediately order a stong drink. Then you end up puking, blame it on a sensitive stomach due to a strong mix, then go home. 

MOM: I just use jack to get me out of events I don't want to go to.

JJ: same

Baby Girl: were SUPPOSED to be drinking.

Emily: that sucks

MOM: should we start with a game??

JJ: there's an easy card game i know

Emily: no shots plz 

MOM: ya just strong mixed drinks

Baby Girl: marvelous. I'll order

JJ: fruity things???

Baby Girl: of course 😎

\-----------

11:31 pm

\-----------

Emily: yal arnt gonna fuckin believe this

JJ: mom has a black eye

Baby Girl: he was a hero

Emily: we stan a king

3DR: wtf?

Emily: while mom talks to the cops ill tell the story

3DR: cops?!?!?!?!

Emily: yes.  
Emily: now shut up and don't interrupt   
Emily: so we where getn more drink s at the bar and mom saw this guy drugging this girl drink so he started yelling at the guy   
Emily: the bartender got on the phone with the cops  
Emily: the girl came and stood with us   
Emily: and then creepy guy started being a douche and talking about misoginist things   
Emily: and then mom told him that he's a douche and is gonna get arrested   
Emily: the the douchr punched mom  
Emily: mom didn't even hit him back wtf  
Emily: mom said that he's going to deferdal prison cause fbi  
Emily: cops showed up as mom got punched again . But then mom cleaned his clock and the cops arrested the douce

3DR: wow

Emily: this whole thing took like….  
Emily: not even thirty minutes 

JJ: ya but everything felt like slow motion 

❤MORGAN❤: hotch are you ok

MOM: im great

3DR: you sure?

MOM: im gonna hurt in the morning but I'm good

Emily: if you want to cover it for work i know how to cover bruises

MOM: I know how to cover a bruise. 

JJ: is there…  
JJ: is there a story there?

MOM: ya but its sad so we aren't gonna talk about it rn

❤MORGAN❤: you can tell us when you're ready mom

MOM: I shall  
MOM: also Kelly wants to know if she can stick with us for a little while

Emily: is she the woman you saved???

MOM: ya 

Baby Girl: im cool with it  
Baby Girl: does she want hugs????

MOM: idk but her and I are gonna take a shot and then do some karaoke 

Emily: you sing?!?!?!?!

MOM: shhhhh  
MOM: don't text too loud  
MOM: you'll ruin my reputation 

JJ: what song

MOM: idk yet

6thBaby Girl: do disney

MOM: we are doing disney

Emily: basic

MOM: asshole

Emily: bitch

MOM: jackass

Emily: badass

MOM: no you 

Emily: honestly no  
Emily: u

MOM: valid

Baby Girl: sing a duet

JJ: like I see the light  
JJ: from tangled

MOM: actually were doing hakuna matata 

Emily: fuck yes

3DR: please send a video.   
3DR: im interested in whether or not mom can sing

MOM: everyone in the bar is drunk, my vocal abilities don't matter.

Emily: your so elegant while drunk mom

MOM: I find it to be one of my better qualities.

Baby Girl: just get on stage boss mom

MOM: 🤙

Emily: if he sucks are we gonna tell him good job???

JJ: maybe

Baby Girl: yall don know what I know

Emily: what do you know Penelope?

Baby Girl: mom sings in his office after we leave

3DR: what… 

Baby Girl: right?!!!!! He's good to

DAD: he sings when he's cooking too

❤MORGAN❤: how do you know??

DAD: ill never tell.

Emily: but daaaaaad

Baby Girl: OH!!!!  
Baby Girl: I HAVE TO CHANGE MORGANS NAME ON HERE!!!!!!

❤MORGAN❤: Yes. Yes you do. 

JJ: moms about to sing   
JJ: wait a litle bit

Emily: I have my video ready

Baby Girl: omg….

JJ: wtf  
JJ: he drunk he's supposed to suc 

Baby Girl: wow

JJ: holy shit

3DR: is he good??

Baby Girl: im making him sing with me more

3DR: is that good???

JJ: he's amazing…..

Baby Girl: I know its only disny   
Baby Girl: but damn

3DR: Emily is videotaping right???

JJ: ya

Baby Girl: I want him to sing to us all the time now

DAD: he sings to jack a lot

❤MORGAN❤: I want to know how you know all of this dave.

DAD: its nice to want.

Baby Girl changed ❤MORGAN❤'s name to King😘

Baby Girl: there

King😘: love it

MOM: nice one pen 

Emily: [video attached]

DAD: nice aaron

MOM: thanks honey

3DR: wait….. honey??

Baby Girl: IS THIS THE TRUTH   
Baby Girl: ARE YOU GUYS BANGING!!!!!!

MOM: 😶

DAD: we've been together for 3 years.

3DR: what the fuck!!!

Emily: wow…..  
Emily: who had that for their bet???

King😘: I had 6 months…

JJ: I had only one year.

Emily: I had 2 years

Baby Girl: I had them being unknowingly mutually in love….

3DR: I had them not knowing their friendship was a relationship 

MOM: so how much did you guys bet?

Emily: the pool was up to 150 

DAD: no side bets??  
DAD: amateurs.

Baby Girl: mom whered yo go

JJ: emily where r u

Emily: well be right back

MOM: we went to a store 

DAD: aaron…

MOM: don't even

DAD: you said you quit

MOM:so? I'm drink.  
MOM: you can't qin this  
MOM: win

JJ: what 

Emily: you love me right jj

JJ: yaaaaaaa

Emily: great!

JJ: emily what are you doing

Baby Girl: why so much mystery 

3DR: what?

King😘: wtf is going on

MOM: nothing bad?

Emily: ya, nothin bad…

DAD: thats very suspicious.  
DAD: aaron.

MOM: shhhhh

Baby Girl: THEYRE FUCKING SMOKING!!!!

JJ: WHAT THE FUCK EMILY

Emily: but you don't understand 

JJ: DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT 

Emily: i am also drunk

MOM: you guys can't be made if we're drunk

3DR: can we be mad once you guys are sober???

Emily: also no.

MOM: we are sensitive and cannot handle anger 

Emily: itd be sad if it wasn't so cute

MOM: exactly.

DAD: can I be upset?

MOM: maybe tomorrow if I'm not super hungover

JJ: ill be mildly annoyd if I'm not hungover

Emily: sexy and smrt   
Emily: im so luckt 🥰🥰

MOM: aaawww

Baby Girl: can I come outside w u guys 🥺

MOM: ya

JJ: OH   
JJ: MOM

MOM: don't yell at me  
MOM: what

JJ someone bought us another round

Emily: are we trusting the drinks 

JJ: the guy who bought them walked me to the bar and had me order and then just paid the bartender 

Emily: a true gentleman 

MOM: one of the few left

Baby Girl: you're a gentleman too mom

MOM: no u 

Baby Girl: no u 

MOM: no u 

Baby Girl: im an angel

MOM: a goddess

Baby Girl: you're adorable

MOM: no u

Baby Girl: no u

Emily: BOTH OF U 

JJ: ya both

Baby Girl: were both cute???  
Baby Girl: 🥺🥺🥺

MOM: aaawwww   
MOM: 🥺 thanks you 🥺

King😘: how long are you guys gonna stay out?

Emily: forever

MOM: until we forget that were gonna regret it in the mornng 

JJ: I wanna sing a disney song

MOM: come outside and ill sing woth u

JJ: ya 🥺

MOM: ya

Emily: do u guys want a video to,,,??

3DR: sure

MOM: pennyyyyy  
MOM: can u come help mee

Baby Girl: yes  
Baby Girl: why

MOM: I gotta put my cigarette out in th ass try and I can't wall strike   
MOM: straight   
MOM: hold my hand plz

Baby Girl: I go u  
Baby Girl: got

Emily: [image attached]

DAD: aaawww  
DAD: adorable 

MOM: you don't get to coment   
MOM: ur not here to hold my hand.

Baby Girl: com hang out with us a d hold moms hand 

DAD: how about, just throwing this out there, when you guys are ready ill come pick you up. 

MOM: but cam I hold up hand 🥺

DAD: yes

MOM: 🥰

Emily: u guys r so cute

MOM: im adorable

Baby Girl: ya u are

MOM: 😎

3DR: did you guys sing??

Emily: jj mom and pen are singing royals

King😘: nice

\-------

1:07 am

\-------

Baby Girl: yo  
Baby Girl: last call is soon

JJ: damn

MOM: feck  
MOM: whats the plan???

Emily: have one more strong drink each and then call dad.

MOM: I’LL CALL HIM

JJ: you just wanna call your honey

MOM: ya.  
MOM: i thought that was a given.

Baby Girl: aaaawwwww!!!!!!!

Emily: yall cute af

MOM: no u

Emily: no u

MOM: no u

Emily: ima beat ur cute litl ass istfg

MOM: i will slap u gorgeus face   
MOM: dont even fucking test me

Emily: heres the thing

MOM: we started out friends

Emily: stop.

MOM: colaberate and listen

JJ: mom plz

MOM: lmao sorry

DAD: so, am I picking you guys up soon.

MOM: ya 🥺

DAD: do you guys want me to head over now???

JJ: please

Baby Girl: my feet hurt 

Emily: is the shos?

Baby Girl: ya 😔

MOM: if u wanna take off ur shos ill cary u

Baby Girl: for real?!?!?!

MOM: of corse 

Baby Girl: ur a n angel [][][]

MOM: no u 

Emily: plz dont starr thid agan

JJ: ya pz

MOM: im sorry 

Baby Girl: dont be sirry  
Baby Girl: sorry

MOM: ok 😔

Emily: mom ily ❤

MOM: ily tooo ❤❤❤❤

JJ: dddaaaaaaaadddddd   
JJ: are u almost heere 

DAD: 10 minutes okay

MOM: I can stil hold ur han rite??

DAD: of course love

MOM: yayyy 🥰

Emily: awwww

JJ: yall are so cute

Baby Girl: mom im ready to be carried 

MOM: wer doin a pigy back ride 

Baby Girl: yay!!!!!!!

DAD: I just pulled up. Does anyone need help???

Baby Girl: hell mom   
Baby Girl: help  
Baby Girl: hes carrng me  
Baby Girl: carrying

DAD: ok

Emily: can we stop for food

MOM: plz honey

JJ: dont text dad  
JJ: he's drivinh 

Emily: YAYYYYYY

3DR: whats yay??

Baby Girl: hes got chicken. Nuggers for us

3DR: nice

Baby Girl: my phoned gonna die

MOM: mune too  
MOM: mine

JJ: samw   
JJ: same

Emily: big sad

MOM: dsrek!!!! Spenxer!!!   
MOM: goodntiget n ily both

3DR: goodnight mom

MOM: goo to sleeop   
MOM: slepp  
MOM: sleep.

3DR: ✌

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you feeling about this so far? Is it good?? please comment!!! I love you all!!!!! DRINK FUCKING WATER!!!!!!! KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!


	24. Hangovers, headaches, and cuddle puddles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> King😘 = makes a really good pillow  
> Baby Girl = loves her sexy coco pillow  
> 3DR = a tired boy  
> Emily = a crouchy, hungover, scary woman  
> JJ = also hungover and crouchy but less scary  
> MOM = him sleepy and cuddly, like a bi koala bear  
> DAD = listen, if the best he ever does in life is give aaron cuddles then dave can die happy
> 
> This chapter is 1,612 words. I'm okay with how these chapters came out and i hope you are too <3<3<3 I love you all

\-----

Traumatized Badasses 

10:08 am

\-------

3DR: so……  
3DR: when can we unpack last night?  
3DR: because that was a lot….

King😘: specifically anything that has to do with mom.

3DR: like the whole karaoke thing, that was interesting.

King😘: ngl im more interested in the smoking….

3DR: I mean mom does know the health issues with cigarettes 

King😘: ya

3DR: I'm still pretty shocked that mom can sing

King😘: okay yes, but… he got punched.

3DR: he was defending someone

DAD: its not the first time and I probably won't be the last.

3DR: hes been hit before???

DAD: outside of work? Yes.  
DAD: Similar stories too

King😘: can we know???

DAD: id ask aaron

3DR: ya know…. I thought Emily, jj, and pen where chaotic when drinking but this…  
3DR: this could be called a chaos quartet

King😘: 😂😂😂 chaos quartet

DAD: thats amazing

3DR: thank you 🦸♂️

King😘: could I come over to your house dave?? 

DAD: ya sure

3DR: me too??? 

DAD: what part of open invitation do you guys not understand?

3DR: the whole thing

King😘: reid you're at my house. I'm driving you. 

3DR: oh…

King😘: 😔  
King😘: also, an open invitation could violate certain boundaries…

3DR: or, in light of new information, potentially ruin anything…. Adult themed?

King😘: we don't want to intrude on your sexy times.

DAD: I appreciate the consideration 

3DR: how are they feeling?

DAD: emily, Aaron, and jj are all snoring.  
DAD: Penelope is attached to aaron like a koala. Jj is attached to Penelope, and emily laying on aaron.   
DAD: its like a loud, hungover, cuddle puddle.

King😘: thats amazing

3DR: if I'm quiet could I join the cuddle puddle???  
3DR: I haven't slept yet

DAD: honestly Spencer, how long have you been awake??

3DR: uuuuuhhhhh  
3DR: 32 hours???

DAD: ill have another blanket ready for you  
DAD: just use one someone as a pillow 

King😘: do you need us to pick up anything???

DAD: nope, just head over.   
DAD: its a lazy day so don't worry about normal people clothes 

King😘: were headed over

DAD: see you guys soon

\-----

11:00 am

\----

King😘: Spencer is out cold

DAD: of course he is

King😘: yep, I didn't know five people could fit on one bed but  
King😘: they did it

DAD: so you're just going to ignore that aaron and I are dating?

King😘: surprisingly, thats the easiest to come to terms with

DAD: seriously??

King😘: ya its like, I'm upset you didn't tell us, I understand that moms our boss so it has complications. But I'm also happy for you guys cause moms happier around you

DAD: you aren't surprised or upset that we didn't tell you??

King😘: I'm both surprised and not. You guys have always been close, I perhaps didn't think it was relationship close instead of say.. brothers in arms close?  
King😘: and I'm not upset, I know how mom is about his privacy 

DAD: I've been in love with Aaron for a long time. I just didn't realize it until I came back to the bau. 

King😘: thats sweet

DAD: I thought it was pathetic but thanks

King😘 how do you not know you're in love??

DAD: well, Aaron and I were a team when he first started at the bau. He didn't smile a lot then either but he was more laid back. It was easier to make him laugh so I'd try to make him laugh all the time   
DAD: he didn't like being the center of attention or even too many people looking at him at one time, so when we'd give the profiles id try to take as much of the time as I could. I'd give the press statements. And I'd make sure he's ok afterwards.   
DAD: as we became better friends we'd hang out more, after work or cases. I didn't know at the time why he'd make most everything better, more fun, but it was like him being just there brightened the room.  
DAD: we'd have to go to these dinners with the higher ups and the ladies would all be flirting with him, trying to get him to dance or have a drink with them. I'd introduce him to people that "he just needed to know" and he'd finally smile when he wasn't being hit on by cougars and high society wives

King😘: thats adorable

DAD: the San Francisco case was a bit of an eye opener. Cause he didn't just have to strip. He had to flirt too. And that was almost like a biblical epiphany because wow  
DAD: next time someone has to flirt with an unsub we’re making aaron do it ok, everyone needs to experience aaron being suave and flirty.  
DAD: anyway. That case just made me think maybe it wasn't just aaron that I found attractive. I thought that maybe tall dark and broody was my type  
DAD: no. No its just aaron

King😘: thats a cute story

DAD: lol thanks

King😘: so howd you know you where in love with mom?   
King😘: like what was your epiphany moment???

DAD: well, we where sitting in my office after we got back from a case. We were drinking and just relaxing and he started laughing and i just thought.. I love him. 

King😘: just a simple little realization huh?

DAD: ya something like that  
DAD: how about you and penelope huh? How’d you know you where in love?

King😘: well, im not sure. We were watching movies at her house and after the movie we were just cuddling and we both went to kiss each other at the same time.   
King[]: thats it i guess. I mean, we’ve pretty much always acted like we were dating.

DAD: thats true

King😘: so are we just gonna sit a text instead of talk out loud??

DAD: do you want to wake up the sleeping beasts in the other room?

King😘: god no…..

DAD: exactly  
DAD: dont look at me like that.

King😘: youre a smug bastard and ill look at you anyway i please.

DAD: ill have aaron ground you.

King😘: you wouldn’t.

DAD: wanna bet 

King😘: hey, why isn’t our texting making anyone elses phone ping?

DAD: i turned everyones phones on silent after they all fell asleep

King😘: nice.  
King😘: i think reid just keeps his phone on silent in general.

DAD: of course he does 😔

King😘: lmao

DAD: want to help me get some food cooking for when the others wake up?

King😘: ya sure what are we cooking?

DAD: protein heavy scrambled eggs and some toast.   
DAD: and lots of water.

King😘: what, no coffee??

DAD: not for them.

King😘: unfortunate. 

DAD: were gonna need to wake them up soon….

King😘: Ill take penelope and spencer.

DAD: so i get aaron and emily? Asshole.

King😘: youre dating aaron. And wake up jj first, she’ll wake up emily

DAD: holy crap you are smart

King😘: i know, its almost like i went to college and got a high profile job or something

DAD: lmao shocking

King😘: lmao

DAD: so.  
DAD: you ready? We can get them up and then start breakfast.

King😘: yep ☹

\-------

12:23 pm

\-------

MOM: kill me

Emily: shhhhh

MOM: im not even talking 

Emily: ur texting v loudly

MOM: im so sorry

Emily: is ok

DAD: do you guys want more water???

Emily: if you dont make me coffee im gona kill u

DAD: you need to be hydrated

MOM: but i want coffee 

DAD: you can all have one cup. 

Baby Girl: do you have tea???

DAD: yes

MOM: a few different kinds  
MOM: its in the cupboard on the left of the fridge  
MOM: above the kettle boiler

Emily: so….  
Emily: yall banging.

Baby Girl: thats not a good way to put it

MOM: it's not just banging if its love

DAD: I'm not bringing anyone their drinks.   
DAD: you can get up and get it

Baby Girl: where do you hide the Tylenol?

MOM: literally every room   
MOM: there's even some in the cars

DAD: there's some in the garage too

MOM: I think there's more than just Tylenol in the bathroom tho

DAD: if you take two ibuprofen and two Tylenol it works the same as prescription pain meds 

Baby Girl: fuck ya

Emily: hey  
Emily: after coffee can we have a family nap

DAD: of course

MOM: come love me honey 

DAD: I do love you 

MOM: but you're in the kitchen and im alone on the couch

DAD: ill come over and sit with you once everyones got their drinks

King😘: guys just hurry up, spence picked a movie

Emily: ugh

King😘: I helped. 

Emily: okay mvm were good

King😘: penny, when you're done getting your tea I've got a soft blanket for you?

Baby Girl: my man

3DR: who will let me join their cuddle puddle??

JJ: come join us

Emily: ya spence, you can be our monkey in the middle 

3DR: fabulous, shall I bring the drinks?

Emily: please

JJ: spence we didn't ask you to join the cuddle puddle just so you'd bring us our drinks

Emily: its just a wonderful perk.

3DR: coffee? Any creamer???

Emily: black with a little sugar

JJ: a good amount of creamer plz

3DR: 👌

MOM: please turn off the kitchen light when you guys are done

DAD: ill get it dont worry 

King😘: everyone ready??

DAD: ya go ahead 

Baby Girl: no canoodles 

Emily: canoodles???

Baby Girl: were all in this living together. No getting frisky 

JJ: just watch the movie guys

MOM: ill start taking peoples phones.

Baby Girl: lmao sorry 

JJ: ❤

\---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave some kudos or comments 
> 
> STAY HYDRATED AND STICK IT TO THE MAN!!!!!!!!


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